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reexamining my old ideas, is once again one of those tasks that i NEVER thought i would have to do. in active addiction, i saw that as futile, especially the ideas i had about who and what i was. after forty years on the planet, i would tell myself, there was really nothing left to learn about me. oddly enough, after twenty years clean, this is exactly what i am uncovering on my FOURTH STEP, the ideas that were planted in my head, that have defined me since i was a child. as angry and resentful as i may be, towards the source of those ideas and the lies i based on those ideas to tell myself, the fact of the matter is, they are no longer serving me well and i am ready to discard them and rebuild my identity.
i am certain that it is the act of actually making my amends to myself that has triggered this whole cascade of becoming something more than what i once told myself i could be. i was “too broken” to love myself or anyone else, was one of the biggest “truths” i developed over my active addiction. sitting here this morning, i see that as a diversion from the real issue, my FEAR of being hurt, after all, if i could not form loving relationships, i could not get hurt and the blame was shifted to something other than me, an inherent flaw, rather than a conscious cratering to FEAR. once i got clean and uncovered the fact that i could love and form loving relationships, the lie changed into, well i only have so much capacity to love and someone will have to go, to make room for someone new. this limited the number of relationships in my life, and was still pandering to my FEAR of being hurt.
bit by bit, that too, got chipped away and i found myself dealing with a world that had infinite possibilities. my FEAR of being hurt, probably is just as intense as it was, way back when. what has changed however, is i have accepted that as a consequence of allowing other human beings, with all their frailties, into my life. sure i could be a rock, an island isolated in a sea of distance and apathy, but that is not the sort of life i DESIRE today. as i uncover the source of the so-called truths on which i base my identity upon, i get FREEDOM from the bondage of my past. breaking those ties that have bound me all these years is a scary proposition, as i cannot see who i will be on the other side. a bit of FAITH, is what is called for here, and today i can be free of those limitations and walk with my head high into the light of becoming the person i never believed i could be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞