โ i am free to laugh, to cry, and, โ
Posted: Thu, Aug 14, 2014 08:00:20 AM
above all, to enjoy my recovery. most importantly i am freed from having to spin the events of an unmanageable life into something it is not: NORMALCY.
so one thin g i know for certain, way back when, when i was only using a bit of beer and some weed, i had the ability to show up at work and work for a full eight hours. when i limited myself to those two substances, i did not accumulate arrests, overnight stays in jail or restraining orders. in fact, my life approached what i thought a normal life looked like. of course, being the kind of person that i am, an addict, those days where few and far between, as that was never enough, the other substances, especially those that affected my ability to show up for work and stay there, became a part of my life and i became the man of a thousand excuses. similar to the Arabian Nights, i had to manufacture a different story every day, in order to keep my job.
so what, if anything does this have to do with a new way of living and letting go of my limitations? why everything of course! in those days, i did not know there was a plan B, i thought using and sliding along the bottom of the food chain, was what i was destined to be the rest of my life. i told myself it was okay, because at least i was not… the limitation i was was running up against every single day, back in the good ol' days was that i could not function in normal living without being high, and i accepted that was how it had to be, for the rest of my life. today i know that lie for what it is, and i have seen first hand who i would become if i went back to that life, demanding, self-centered, disrespectful, entitled not worthy of respect but demanding everyone respect me, unreliable, undependable, incapable of meeting my responsibilities, unlovable and unloving. not a very pretty picture this morning and all because i would reimpose the limitation of having to get high back into my life. what i have been taught in recovery is that as an addict, each decision i make constrains and limits my choices in the future, until i am stuck in a rut of the default decision of how am i going to get what i need today, and what am i willing to give away to get it? no today, i am free to go work somewhere else, if things get beyond my tolerance. i am free to pick up and move across the country i fi want to, most importantly i am free to feel my emotions, ones that are always valid and arise because of my interaction with the world around me. i need not impose my beliefs on anyone else, nor do i have to proselytize, because living the sort of life i live, is example enough. in short, i GET to have a life where i can choose to be responsible, because i AM not high today, and the removal of that limitation is the GREATEST gift i get on a daily basis, because i choose to be a member of the No Matter What Club. it is however time to get rolling on over to work. i am grateful that today i can choose to save my paid time off and have the desire to go to work, be productive and so much more. it is a great day to be free from the constarints of active addiction.
so one thin g i know for certain, way back when, when i was only using a bit of beer and some weed, i had the ability to show up at work and work for a full eight hours. when i limited myself to those two substances, i did not accumulate arrests, overnight stays in jail or restraining orders. in fact, my life approached what i thought a normal life looked like. of course, being the kind of person that i am, an addict, those days where few and far between, as that was never enough, the other substances, especially those that affected my ability to show up for work and stay there, became a part of my life and i became the man of a thousand excuses. similar to the Arabian Nights, i had to manufacture a different story every day, in order to keep my job.
so what, if anything does this have to do with a new way of living and letting go of my limitations? why everything of course! in those days, i did not know there was a plan B, i thought using and sliding along the bottom of the food chain, was what i was destined to be the rest of my life. i told myself it was okay, because at least i was not… the limitation i was was running up against every single day, back in the good ol' days was that i could not function in normal living without being high, and i accepted that was how it had to be, for the rest of my life. today i know that lie for what it is, and i have seen first hand who i would become if i went back to that life, demanding, self-centered, disrespectful, entitled not worthy of respect but demanding everyone respect me, unreliable, undependable, incapable of meeting my responsibilities, unlovable and unloving. not a very pretty picture this morning and all because i would reimpose the limitation of having to get high back into my life. what i have been taught in recovery is that as an addict, each decision i make constrains and limits my choices in the future, until i am stuck in a rut of the default decision of how am i going to get what i need today, and what am i willing to give away to get it? no today, i am free to go work somewhere else, if things get beyond my tolerance. i am free to pick up and move across the country i fi want to, most importantly i am free to feel my emotions, ones that are always valid and arise because of my interaction with the world around me. i need not impose my beliefs on anyone else, nor do i have to proselytize, because living the sort of life i live, is example enough. in short, i GET to have a life where i can choose to be responsible, because i AM not high today, and the removal of that limitation is the GREATEST gift i get on a daily basis, because i choose to be a member of the No Matter What Club. it is however time to get rolling on over to work. i am grateful that today i can choose to save my paid time off and have the desire to go to work, be productive and so much more. it is a great day to be free from the constarints of active addiction.
∞ DT ∞