Blog entry for:

comfortably in recovery, courtesy of my obsessive-compulsive nature and a daily TENTH Step inventory. okay, i have to admit it, i am more than a bit perplexed why many of my peers shy away from doing a daily inventory. instead of casting about for their motives and lack of motivation, i will chug along to mine.
if one were to consider my history, one would see that after i “took” STEP TEN the first time, i paid lip service to it, never maintained it and certainly did not write out a list of questions for thirty days straight. no, i thought about it few nights, went over it with my sponsor and moved along. i never considered that there was actually a list of questions to work from, or how that would apply to me. one of my peers in that fellowship, who was of the opinion that each manifestation of his addiction required a separate recovery program, showed me the guide for working a TENTH STEP in that behavior specific fellowship and i was stunned, to say the least. there must have been at least fifty questions in that little pamphlet and at that time, i was quite certain that i did not have the time, nor the desire to implement answering that many questions, every single night. in that respect, i certainly do get why some of my peers would not adopt a daily inventory for reals, but i am not going to sit here and judge. i was lazy and skating by with the most minimalist program i could do, and still stay clean.
ah, the second time through, that one was an interesting switch for me, as my sponsor “vanished” while i was in the process of my thirty day assignment to write the questions out of another pamphlet. that thirty day assignment turned into a nine month assignment, while i held out for him showing up and refused top deal with the reality of the situation, i NEEDED a new sponsor and my grand-sponsor had already agreed to step in, if i would ask him to do so. why did i keep writing that for so long? FEAR of relapse, plain and simple. i was working a FEAR based program in those days, and relapse was the boogie man waiting around every corner to jump me and spin me down into active addiction again. even after being released to move on to STEP ELEVEN, i still wrote a TENTH STEP until i worked my way through to STEP TEN, again.
the third time through, i found a new manner in which to work a TENTH STEP and i do so every single night. i live a FAITH based program these days, and the step between FEAR and FAITH, was certainly HOPE for me. as i started that change from FEAR to HOPE, the mechanics of my 10TH STEP led to an understanding , at least for me, that IF i was diligent, it seemed that i fell asleep faster most nights and slept more sound. working through the 10TH Step for the fourth time, only reinforced this side-effect as it dovetailed quite nicely with my spiritual path.
plainly stated STEP 10 is my second favorite step, right up there with 11. i am, however selfish ans self-centered and both of those steps are focused on me, so it would be obvious that is where i would go. as i start to wrap this up, a couple of thoughts and seemingly unrelated threads popped into this amazing addict brain. the first was a conversation i had with a peer yesterday and their struggle to make a decision that was certainly life-altering and it really has nothing to do with life itself. when i came up last night, in my TENTH STEP, it was a hypothetical for me, and it was about how do i gauge my motives in any situation, especially in the one i had described to me, by my peer. where i ended up and came back to today, is that the question i have to ask myself is: can i detach my clean time from my identity and make a rational, FAITH based determination of a past event? for me, i see that as quite the sticky wicket and vanity, conceit and self-esteem come barrelling down the pike to flatten me into a pancake, as if i was as hapless as Wile E Coyote.
today, i need not live ion that “what if,” but i KNOW that if and when the time comes, lurking in the shadows of secrecy, hiding in the corners of the room and talking “around” the question will be where i will go, until i come to terms with it. i am after all, obsessed about how i look in the eyes of others and make very few pretensions to being some evolved and supreme recovering addict. so enough of this stuff and on to the next task of my day FANTASY FOOTBALL with a brief break for a bot of recovery!

∞ DT ∞