Blog entry for:

way to the rooms, was not a direct result of being **sick and tired.** when i hear others share about why they came to the rooms, and how what they were doing was just not doing the trick for them anymore, or how the loss of everything important in their lives put them in a state of desperation, i have to shrug my shoulders and move along. for me, my desperation was based in my issues with authority and how i could get that authority out of my life. compliance with their strictures and not surrender to the spiritual principles of the program, was how i lived in my life in those dank and dark days of my recovery. as i listened to what was being shared in the meeting yesterday, cross and GOD talk aside, i finally realized that it did not matter why i came to the rooms, or what kept me here until my mind opened, what mattered was that i stayed.
i have been more than a little bit “off” this week. in fact, i was hating on one of the men that chooses to call me their sponsor, over and over again. most of that is due to my inability to “rescue” Brian, two years ago and the remorse and grief i feel to this day. i do not do grief very well, and in my well-practiced manner of diverting unpleasant feelings, grief turned to anger and finding the ways and means to divert myself from allowing myself to feel my way through this particular set of feelings. yes, i wanted to change the way i felt and did so by getting all butt-hurt over something that i have no power over. it was all about my feelings and what the f*ck they were doing to me, or at least that is how it played out in my head. today, i can feel the grief and at least on an intellectual level grasp that i cannot rescue anyone from their pit of despair, even my friend and sponsee, Brian. i LACK that sort of super power and i sincerely doubt that i will ever get gifted with that sort of power, which only goes to show where my denial resides these days.
putting a name to what i am feeling and placing context around all that i am doing does nothing, yet, to relieve me of the desire to stop doing what i am doing to foster the process of getting better dammit all, i want to stop my fitness program, just smoke and leave all this recovery stuff behind me. with all of that in place, i can stop feeling what i find unpleasant and move forward into some sort of abyss, where i get to deny all responsibility and feel only what i want to feel, because when push comes to shove, i know what else i can do to drown my sorrows.
what am i going to do? i am going to jump into the shower, drive down to work, passing all those purveyors of poison, and allow myself to be present for whatever it is i am feeling today. no matter what, i have yet to die from an uncomfortable feeling and i doubt i will do so, today. i am okay and yes not in the best head-space ever, but this too shall pass, and i can find a way to thrive as i walk forward, just for today.

∞ DT ∞