Some memes

fulfillment, and the best aspects of my identity as i serve my peers and my fellowship. i have to admit one of the examples that my daily reading used as growth through service, is the one thing i will never do: take on a newcomer as a project. there is certainly, at least in my mind, about sponsoring a newcomer, helping them get to a few meetings and introducing them around and “taking them under my wing.” the former is all about giving them an entry into the fellowship, the latter, well i will not go down that rabbit hole today. when i got clean, if i had become some OG's project child, i probably would have bolted, and quickly. i know that when some of my peers feel their own program lacking, taking on a newcomer project, reconnects them to the program. for me, it reads as a bit codependent, but who i am to say. i know that the manner in which i serve is not to make me feel any better about myself or to reconnect to my program.
so what exactly do i “get” when i serve? well for the longest time, what i sought was approval and the ability to “fit in.” what i got instead was a sense of who i am and what i may become. as i grew, i saw that what i desired and what i needed to get from serving my fellows, were converging into a single stream. as i felt more confident in who i was, i fit in better. as i grew a sense of self, i saw that others had approved of me all along and i had grown past the place where i cared about that anymore. as i grew into my identity, outside of service, i saw that service was an extension of my identity and not the whole enchilada. none of that came in a flash of light accompanied by a drum-roll. no that was a process that is still unfolding, but the best part, is i know where i serve best and pick up those mantles as they come my way.
this morning as i rose for the void, i realized that i am once again over training and am well on my way to exacerbating my previous injury. my devotion towards getting a “record” time, is going to take me out of the race altogether. i may be serving my peers, but i am not serving myself. caring for myself, so i can serve others, is certainly a spiritual principle, whether or not it has a proper name. i now i want to run harder and faster each and every day, using whatever means necessary to reduce the pain and pretend i am not doing damage. that almost kept me off Mount Kilimanjaro and i would have thought i learned a lesson. suffice it to say, i am taking the warning and reducing the intensity of my training for the next two weeks, to allow my body to catch up with my head. every now and again i get a moment of sanity and can actually make a choice the not only serves my fellowship and my peers, but also serves me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞