Blog entry for:

regardless of what it took for me to arrive in the rooms and become a member. i was not one those who were struck clean, had an extended pink cloud and committed to never, ever using again. i am not one of those who says using drugs is no longer an option for me. i am however a member of the fellowship that has given me this new manner in which to live. this life, currently, allows me the room to choose to stay clean. i make no promises to anyone, nor do i sign any pledges. today, i CHOOSE to stay clean and back that decision up with some action, because i have the DESIRE to do so. i find what i need to stay clean, by remaining open-minded and paying attention to what is happening in my life and what it is that my peers happen to offer me. some of what they offer goes to the solution and if i am open-minded i will follows their example. some of what they offer goes to the problem and the lesson i learn is not to emulate their behavior. i am no better or worse than my peers. i am simply clean today and willing enough to do what it takes to stay clean today.
one of those things i am willing to do,is to drive up and visit a friend ninety miles north of where i live. it turns out he is willing to come South today, so what was going to be a drive on a stormy Tuesday afternoon turned into a pleasant afternoon chat. what was i willing to head on up? because i miss my friend and i have yet to make any effort to see his house and allow him to show me his life since moving away. we basically got clean together and we marched lock-step through the service structure for quite some time. i was a bit more ambitious and had an ego that needed to be fed, so i went a bit further down the structure than he did, but in the end, we ended up back together, just doing the next right thing and supporting our home groups.
all of this is quite nice but in reality it was not what i heard this morning. my desire to visit with my friend arouse out of my TENTH STEP last night and my decision to make a plan or two came from that desire. as i sat this morning i wondered how sincere my desire to stay clean today actually is? i wondered if this was just a better, more polished version of those first eighteen months of abstinence, saying the magic incantations, but never believing they would work for me? i was distraught at the notion that i may be a fraud and that if that was the case, what exactly was i staying clean for, life just might be a bit better with a quick trip to try some “incredible edibles.” after a fit of sanity and asking myself if my life today was getting any better, i realized that over the past week, since sitting with my sponse and just hanging out, i am calmer, nicer and certainly more compassionate and empathetic. my question was then answered, it really does not matter of what i appear to be doing is all smoke and mirrors, the evidence is that i am a better person that i was last week, so i might as well keep doing what i am doing, just for today.

∞ DT ∞