Blog entry for:

is not something i do very well. it is true, that i am better than i used to be, but still far from perfect, as i really hate being told what i MUST do. this morning, as i sit here and consider where i once was and where i am today. i can say that i guess i was **good enough** at taking direction to do the needful. i have become habituated to going to any lengths to stay clean and yes, even find the ways and means to live a program of active recovery. even though it feels like life sucks these days and based on the events over the past four months, i have ample cause to “use.” it is only because i strive to stay clean, no matter what, that i am clean today, even if a quick trip to get a legal substance or three, might give me a brief vacation from recovery.
where is the HOPE in all of that? what kind of message am i sending when i whine about life's events and the toll it takes on my serenity? i think back on the conversation i had the other day and the question i asked about willingness, and i consider my own. even though i have been clean for a minute, riding a roller-coaster of emotions is still tough. FEAR of an uncertain future looms large. doing the next correct thing, becomes harder and harder as i slip back into my state of being entitled to get what i think is mine. i feel more like those who cannot and will not accept that forty-five lost, fairly and squarely and need to lie to myself about how this shit is just not working for me. when i get all spun about what was and what may be, i start down the rabbit-hole of wondering if i am one of those who is just “around” the program or someone who has actually learned to live a program of active recovery.
where i find myself after all of that, is considering alternatives and remembering what my life was like, way back when. today, i do have the ability to let go, to forgive, to give and receive love and to seek a better manner in which to live. back then, all i could do, is sit on a bar-stool and whine about how awful my empty, unfulfilled life was and wonder who was going to come to my rescue. i still may drift back in that direction, but living a life in STEP ELEVEN, provides me just enough of what i need to move forward. moving forward, it is time to suit up and get some steps in, before giving myself the freedom to give my employer a few hours of dedicated work. yes, there is a meeting in my future and certainly some creative coding to do today. all in all, a path to FREEDOM from self-obsession is laid before me, if i choose to go to any lengths to stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞