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what is good for me, the problem with that notion, is that i do not always KNOW what it is that may be good for me.the past few months, this exercise has devolved into a platform to express my feelings about the addict we brought into our home, who seemed unwilling to find any motivation to find a different manner in which to live. yesterday, i shared about what i was feeling, in a meeting and although i was not expecting a response, i got a few anyhow. today nearly forty-eight hours after their sudden departure, i am beginning to feel a bit more balanced, certainly a whole lot less resentful and a new hope that i can reach a point where “helping” someone else, by providing a safe space in which to get grounded, could become a possibility, SOME DAY! as i reflect back on my reactions to the whole situation, i am quite cognizant of what i put those closest to me through, as i started to reach the end of days, of denying what i was and getting what i though was mine. their presence in my home allowed me the freedom to see where i no longer wish to go.
what gives me HOPE today, is my peers celebrating anniversaries of their clean date:

Jayme P.
Twenty-two (22) years clean.
Keep Coming back, no matter what!

Ryan B.
Seven (7) years clean.
Congrats on finding the way to do this gig, Just For Today.

on this chilly morning, as i look at the sun rising over the foot of snow that accumulated over the past few days, i get a sense that many may be called, but few choose this manner in which to live. i may not “know” who will get this, but i do know that just for today, i do.
this addict, locked down and isolated as he is, is finding that while virtual meetings are a poor substitute for showing up with my peers, they are adequate in giving me what i need today ↝ connection to my peers, new ideas on how to live in this brave new world and a sense of hope that i have found flagging in my daily experiences with someone who was unwilling to take any steps forward in their life. i GET another day clean, on the backs of my peers, and i have found that reaching out through the meetings has made me more aware of what is lacking in my slice of the locked up and locked down world i find outside my front door. up until i could not go to meetings, i did not go to that many. one or two a week, was all i could muster up the desire to attend. i may not be one of those who attends a meeting every day, once they are started up again, but in this moment, six meetings a week, seem to be what i need.
on this bright and chilly morning, as i prepare to get out and about and some miles under my belt, i have a sense of hope and certainly of obligation. when i CHOOSE to do something that i might not “feel” is part of who i am, i GET gifts beyond my wildest dreams. what is, simply is, but that does not mean i cannot take action to make it a bit better, just for today.

∞ DT ∞