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from the ravages of the stories that have become written in stone, about who i am and what i am worth, seems to be exactly where i am these days. once i came to the conclusion that addiction was part of who i am, not who i am, the path forward has been clear. how do i integrate all those disparate parts of me, into a coherent whole, that is worth doing whatever it takes? the fact that i am still hanging around and living a program, is certainly cause for HOPE. using service to my fellowship as the means to bolster my self-esteem only goes so far, sooner or later, i had to stop seeking external solutions and start looking at what is going on, in my insides.
unlike the snowflakes of various political stripes, i know that my words have consequences. sure, i would love to “cancel culture” the self-talk about how unworthy i am, into oblivion. pretending that internal dialogue does not have consequences, is no better than screaming about how unfair it is, that a “mob” does not like an opinion i put forth. whining about having my biases, prejudices and ignorance exposed, will not bring me to a place of understanding and yes kindness when i look at myself. for me, the truth of who i am cannot be found on You-Tube, Twitter, FaceBook or Q-Anon. that truth, as elusive as it seems to be at times, can only be uncovered via the recovery process that has been passed down to me, from those who have walked this path before me. i may not be able to see an atom, or the sub-atomic particles that comprise it, but i can see the results in the world around me. coming to a place of understanding that who i am today, is the sum of all of my experiences and all of what i have been told and told myself, about who i “should” is a concept i am finally getting around to accepting.
as i step out into the world today, i can carry with me, the determination to allow myself the freedom to be okay, with who i am today and vale that person. that may not stop the lies from being uttered, but that will certainly provide ammunition to defuse them. owning that i may be my own worst enemy when it comes to seeing who i am, is certainly one way to engage in a dialogue, rather than scream across a political divide. i may even decide that just foir today, i am okay with who i am and that my value is far beyond what i have come to believe it is.

∞ DT ∞