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of what it took for me to get where i am today, is certainly a notion i need to be aware of, even after several thousand days clean. i do not know if i am going to get this posted online before i get home, but i m going to write it anyhow. the WiFi in this hotel is less than stellar or even reliable, not too unlike myself, way back when. i often wonder where my peers go, after they “get their lives back.” i know that the life i had before recovery was not worth getting back. if i wanted that back, i know how to do that, it is just a drop of poison away.
home now, and on a very stable internet connection and to extend the metaphor a bit, not unlike my life today, stable, dependable and reliable, most of the time. wondering where my peers go, after a bit of time clean, is really not an exercise i wan t to spend a whole lot of time on, as i have done that enough in the past. what i do know, is that this addict keeps involved in his recovery process, because it brings gifts on a daily basis, arising from the promise of freedom from active addiction. i am also quite sure that just because i have worked some steps, been clean for a bit of time and served my fellowship, i have no guarantee that i can stay clean past this very day. i know that statement upsets and “triggers” many of my peers. it is not my intent to drive them to distraction with that line of thought, even though i do love challenging some of their beliefs that seem to be written in stone.
having had a bit of a spiritual awakening, i know that when my beliefs feel under attack, that maybe it is the beliefs that are wrong or no longer truly fit who i have become. as i stay clean and live a program of recovery, the odds of me making twenty-four, twenty-five or even thirty years clean, increase. the “hole” that i hear many of my peers sharing about, has been filled by active recovery and allowing myself to look at what i believe and see if they need to remain part of how i walk my talk. i allowed myself fifteen years of being someone i was not, because i was afraid to strep out of the box i created for myself, spiritually. just for today, i do not need to wonder where my peers disappear to, as that is certainly beyond my ken. i know for a fact that i am doing the best i can, with what i have and what i have is being increased on a daily basis. using may still be an option for me, i need not deny that fact of delude myself, but it is one i choose not to exercise in this slice of twenty-four hours.

∞ DT ∞