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once again i trip across one of those concepts that separate me from the spiritual gurus and recovery giants. in no way of form, am i able to put aside the **who** and focus on the **what.** i certainly fall back into the whole **progress, not perfection trope,** but that little bit of whitewash is just to make myself feel better about making judgements based in prejudice and bias. as i sat and listened to what was going on inside this morning, where i am ended up was that i am probably doing this gig, better than i believe. when it comes to looking at how “well” i am living up to my ideals, i err on the “negative” side.
one may wonder where that whole behavior came from. i certainly did not walk into the rooms believing i was a “bad” person or even did “bad” things. i has built a belief stricture that allowed me to deny any sort of realistic picture of my life. in early recovery, one of the messages i “thought” i heard was that: everything i know about myself and my place in the world was wrong and that if i wanted to get clean and stay clean, i would have to fall on my face and ask GOD to remake me in a new, more saint-like form. everything that i was, was colored by addiction and all of it was wrong. everything that was “good” was the work of GOD and i had no part in it. the truth as i saw it was distorted and false and needed to be pitched out like nasty, rotten food that has been in the refrigerator for months and months, creating new life forms. so the self-flagellation and false humility was born and i certainly ran with it.
with that sort of background and story running through my head, it is little wonder that i see myself in black and white, instead of in living color. in my daily TENTH STEP, i get to go through what was proper and good in my behavior and thoughts and what was not. i often uncover, that for the most part i am not the piece of sh!t those stories make me out to be. combating those echoes of what i thought i heard and truth be told, i “heard” that garbage for the first five years of my recovery, has been part of my ongoing journey. right here and right now? well i need to prepare to slide on down to the rec center for a bit of a workout this morning and get my steps in. getting fit is part of battling the “how bad i am” echoes from way back when. staying firm is part of committing to myself to be healthier, saner and certainly closer to my ideals, just for today.

∞ DT ∞