Blog entry for:

it is interesting, that as i sat, as i ran and as i started to get my thoughts down in bits and bytes, this is exactly what i heard. it has been several hours of daily living,. since i sat this morning, and yet this theme is still on the top of the stack. when i consider how duplicitous and dishonest i was when i came to recovery and how i tried to hide behind the wall of my denial for another eighteen months, it is no wonder that learning to trust myself, took such a long time. these days, i may not be a pillar of honesty in all of my affairs, but at least i know that when i look at myself, perhaps a bit too harshly, i know that i can trust that i am feeling what i am supposed to feel and for the better part of my day, making decisions that are worthy of my trust.
one of the the notions i am am having trouble “trusting” is continuing to wait for a FNG sponsee to come around and start reaching out to me. i am starting to feel that i am enabling him to scrape along the bottom, making excuses as to why he cannot “fit” into his life, instead of encouraging him to make his life fit his recovery. i can hear the sonic boom of “I KNOW,” coming. as much as i want to give away what i have been given, if that is not being freely accepted and implemented, what is the point? so i twist and turn indecisively. i know for me, i can move on and not use over it, but i am unsure what his reaction might be, if i cut him loose and of course, then his next use would be my fault. yeah, i have that much power. 🤣
i guess i will let go of all of that and take the dawg out for a walk, so i can get my steps and she can build up an appetite to finish her breakfast. i may not have cigars with a sponsee today, but i will stay clean. i know that i have the tools to be better than just “okay” today, all i have to do is trust myself to follow my heart, and not my head and who knows where this day will lead me.

∞ DT ∞