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the truth in the words of my peers, is part of what kept me coming back for long enough to finally become a member and start a program of recovery. this morning as i prepare to get out to the Rec Center for my workout, i can remember how much i did not trust my peers to be honest and how that “spidey-sense” has protected me form heartbreak and disappointment across the course of my life in active recovery. i knew from the start that there were certainly many sincere people in the rooms, who actually believed and lived what they were sharing, i just was unable to discern the posers and fakers from those who lived a program of recovery. since i lacked that ability, i placed all of them into the former, reserving the latter for those who “proved” themselves by passing my double secret probation. it was a lonely and scary time for me, but as i came out of the darkness, i learned many valuable lessons, the most telling being to trust my gut, when it came to trusting my peers.
these days, as i see myself as being inherently more trustworthy and only sharing about my own experience, strength and hope, i give others the benefit of the doubt. when i quit sharing a link to this exercise on one social media platform, i thought i would end up not delving into these exercises at all. instead, what i have discovered, is that i am now more honest than ever before and i actually do not feel as if i am some trained monkey performing for rewards in the form of “likes.” this morning is no exception, as across the course of my recovery, i certainly had more than enough opportunity to “explain” myself. the fact is, each and every time in feel the need to explain, i am diving back into the world of smoke and mirror, and attempting to hide something in the very familiar behavior of “lying by omission.” when i hear my peers doing something that resembles explaining away something, i have to peek at myself and decide that am i feeling their dishonesty, or am i conjuring it up in my head. the answer nine times out of ten, is that i am making shit up because i do not really like or respect them. the times i am right and my gut is what is giving me pause, has saved my bacon more than once.
today i am trusted and can be trusted for the most part. i am, however, human and just like my peers, i can still spin a yarn or three when i think i may be able to get away with it. the problem is, that they too, can detect my bullshit, so the easier softer means of living is to be true to myself, share from my heart and allow others to think what they may think of me, after all, it really is none of my bidness, what opinions they may have about me.

∞ DT ∞