! i will decide to trust someone ,
Posted: Tue, Jan 31, 2012 05:35:54 PM
and as a result of that decision, i will act on that trust. so this is the second time i have started this entry. at lunch i was going to whine about my perception of sucking to be me, today. operator error on my tiny netbook, prevented that from happening and i GOT to change my perception enough to realize that life happens it only sucks if i perceive it that way.
as i was driving home, in case there were consequences from my late night emergency fix, i was struck between the eyes with a line from a song: “you have to be trusted, by the people that you lie to, so that when they turn their backs on you, you'll get the chance to put the knife in.”
i remember the very first time i heard that song, and how cynical it was, even though i knew it was based on the book by George Orwell: Animal Farm. looking back, it was more than a little prophetic about how i was going to turn out. way back then, i was an addict, and although i was not quite in full-blown addiction, i was certainly on my way. over the years as i abandoned more and more of my values to my addiction, i became that person, a DOG so to speak, broken by trained personnel and all. each and every day, i grew less trusting as i grew less trustworthy. i never learned how to lie with any accuracy and ease, but i did learn how to tell the truth without lying, creative editing of reality worked ever so well for me. so when this dawg came to recovery, i was more than a bit confused, and i believed i was trading one master for another. that was true, but where my confusion lay, what was my master. i thought it was the drugs and nothing more. step work and hanging out, made me realize that addiction was my master, and would continue to be, UNLESS i did something about it. that realization led to my abandonment of my dual citizenship, so to speak, and to me embracing the fellowship that has become my home.
learning to trust has been one of the hardest tasks i have undertaken, but with that effort, has led to rewards beyond my wildest dreams. i wish i can say that i am totally trusting and open today, that miracle has yet to happen. what is evident in my life, is that as get more trusting and yes, trustworthy, the world is not quite a dark as i once saw it and yes it does not suck to be me today.
anyhow, time for my Tuesday afternoon down-time hanging with friends in a smoke filled room, and our weekly meeting together, simply amazing that i would even want to do so, but there is more yet to be revealed to this recovering addict.
as i was driving home, in case there were consequences from my late night emergency fix, i was struck between the eyes with a line from a song: “you have to be trusted, by the people that you lie to, so that when they turn their backs on you, you'll get the chance to put the knife in.”
i remember the very first time i heard that song, and how cynical it was, even though i knew it was based on the book by George Orwell: Animal Farm. looking back, it was more than a little prophetic about how i was going to turn out. way back then, i was an addict, and although i was not quite in full-blown addiction, i was certainly on my way. over the years as i abandoned more and more of my values to my addiction, i became that person, a DOG so to speak, broken by trained personnel and all. each and every day, i grew less trusting as i grew less trustworthy. i never learned how to lie with any accuracy and ease, but i did learn how to tell the truth without lying, creative editing of reality worked ever so well for me. so when this dawg came to recovery, i was more than a bit confused, and i believed i was trading one master for another. that was true, but where my confusion lay, what was my master. i thought it was the drugs and nothing more. step work and hanging out, made me realize that addiction was my master, and would continue to be, UNLESS i did something about it. that realization led to my abandonment of my dual citizenship, so to speak, and to me embracing the fellowship that has become my home.
learning to trust has been one of the hardest tasks i have undertaken, but with that effort, has led to rewards beyond my wildest dreams. i wish i can say that i am totally trusting and open today, that miracle has yet to happen. what is evident in my life, is that as get more trusting and yes, trustworthy, the world is not quite a dark as i once saw it and yes it does not suck to be me today.
anyhow, time for my Tuesday afternoon down-time hanging with friends in a smoke filled room, and our weekly meeting together, simply amazing that i would even want to do so, but there is more yet to be revealed to this recovering addict.
∞ DT ∞