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to live with the consequences of attaining my desires, is always an interesting topic. i received a reply, that was not a reply, from a peer who is currently a guest of the Boulder County Sheriff at their luxurious and well appointed Bed and Breakfast. at least he finally acknowledged he was getting my letters and asked for “positive” whatever the heck that means. he admitted lying to me, in a letter he wrote but never sent, but included it anyhow. i am still at odds about how to proceed with this relationship. oh yeah, he decided to test the waters and use, so there is that as well. i know relapse is part of many of my peer's recovery journeys and as addicts any one of is subject to relapse at any time. i am far from immune, although i make a daily commitment to stay clean, just for today. i have planned my relapse at least a thousand times and each time i do that exercise, i quickly come to the realization that there is not enough of anything to satisfy me, so why go into a world of totally unmet expectations, once again. this morning, i am grateful for that bit of insight and will let go of my decision with my peer, until later today. what i am really saying is that i will get out of the way and let the POWER that fuels my recovery, provide that answer.
now that i have addressed that topic or not, what came up for me this morning was the notion of asking for “stuff.” my prayers are very minimal, as i am not a “GOD” sort of person. i ask for the power to stay clean, the ability to let go of whatever i happen to be grasping and the ability to open my mind to the possibilities of what life in the real world has to offer me. i have decided to forego working out on this chilly morning in the 'hood and driving to the Rec Center, instead. i also have decided that maybe i want to cancel my oil change at the MAGA mechanic i have used for years and see if i can get one sooner, in a more comfortable well-appointed waiting room, free from the judgements of those i have trouble respecting. quite honestly if the local location was open, my choice would have already been made, as it sits right now, that too, is a decision i am waiting further guidance on, and maybe during my workout this morning, more will be revealed, sweat and exertion are good for that. the biggest factor in that decision is do i stay local or do i give my money to a national chain. and keeping my ducats in my home town is a HUGE consideration for me.
as i consider the consequences of fulfilling my desire to be more fit and look better, i see that exercise is becoming a bit more than a choice for me. it is starting to border on obsessive and perhaps i need to take a good look at what my physical needs are and if they are getting squashed in my desire to look better. certainly an interesting conundrum and another topic to pitch on the “letting go” pyre to be dealt with when the answer arrives. with that in mind, it is time to dress out and drive to the gym to get some miles under my belt and to clear my mind of all the unnecessary sludge it seems to accumulate on a daily basis, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞