π living in π
Posted: Tue, Dec 1, 2020 06:54:32 AM
the real world means that things do not always go the way i want them to go. people are often not what they seem and for the most part, i get what i earn, even if it hardly feels like a reward at all. as i deal with the disappointment i feel about a peer, who i believed was a friend, treating me as if i was an information kiosk, i have to drop back into the real world, i do not see my relationships with others, the same way they do. as disconcerting as that may seem and as empty as that may feel, that too is part of living in the real world.
one of the phases i went through, in my early recovery, was the certainty that i would get everything i prayed for, and when i think about it, i mostly did. whether that was confirmation bias or bad filters, is not relevant. the fact of my life was that i wanted stuff, and i prayed to get it. in those days i did not care whether or not i was “prepared” for those gifts, as i can now see that behavior as another manifestation of addiction. this was my life and immediate gratification was part and parcel of who i was. GOD and prayer was my pathway to fulfill that DESIRE and i certainly took that journey quite often. those prayers were not unlike the foxhole prayers that i screamed out, in active addiction. that was who i was, needy and over-filled with DESIRE. in those days, it seemed to work and the longer i asked for “stuff” and seemed to get it, the “sicker” i remained.
i am a bit better these days and my disappointment in finding out the true nature of my relationships goes to a “fantasy” that i seem to hold dear, namely that when i put out the my hand in friendship it is always accepted and reciprocated. the fact is that it is not and in the real world, that is to be expected. what i asked the POWER that fuels my recovery for last night, as i was going to sleep. was the ability to let go of that disappointment, see that relationship for what it is and adjust my expectations accordingly. as i prepare to take off and hit the streets, this morning, i can “feel” that prayer has been answered and i can move forward knowing where i stand. it is after all a great day to let go of what i do not earn.
one of the phases i went through, in my early recovery, was the certainty that i would get everything i prayed for, and when i think about it, i mostly did. whether that was confirmation bias or bad filters, is not relevant. the fact of my life was that i wanted stuff, and i prayed to get it. in those days i did not care whether or not i was “prepared” for those gifts, as i can now see that behavior as another manifestation of addiction. this was my life and immediate gratification was part and parcel of who i was. GOD and prayer was my pathway to fulfill that DESIRE and i certainly took that journey quite often. those prayers were not unlike the foxhole prayers that i screamed out, in active addiction. that was who i was, needy and over-filled with DESIRE. in those days, it seemed to work and the longer i asked for “stuff” and seemed to get it, the “sicker” i remained.
i am a bit better these days and my disappointment in finding out the true nature of my relationships goes to a “fantasy” that i seem to hold dear, namely that when i put out the my hand in friendship it is always accepted and reciprocated. the fact is that it is not and in the real world, that is to be expected. what i asked the POWER that fuels my recovery for last night, as i was going to sleep. was the ability to let go of that disappointment, see that relationship for what it is and adjust my expectations accordingly. as i prepare to take off and hit the streets, this morning, i can “feel” that prayer has been answered and i can move forward knowing where i stand. it is after all a great day to let go of what i do not earn.
∞ DT ∞