๐ฌ like many of ๐ฌ
Posted: Tue, May 13, 2025 06:52:33 AM
my peers and addicts in general, i am not hard-wired for flexibility. i am filled with expectations about how others should behave and am judgemental and resentful, when they fail to live up to those standards. okay, that is a bit of hyperbole, although it is an accurate summation of myself in active addiction and mere abstinence. i am not quite that bad and as i stay clean, live a program of active recovery on a daily basis, i move into becoming someone who lives life with fewer expectations and judgements on how others “need to” behave.
this little dip into memory lane reminds me of one of the men who used to call me his sponsor. he could never understand why those around him, did not act they he thought they ought to. after all, he would start, it is not the way i would have done it, they are not treating me with the respect that i deserve. as a result, he was always on edge, constantly pissed off, and seething with resentment and paranoia, as everyone was out to get him. it is no wonder that when he was part of my life, he could never stay clean, as i know that living in that state would certainly drive me to look for a quick bit of relief. i am grateful that the relief i found may not be quick or as easy at a little drop of poison. no it is through recovery, that i have left that state of being behind, even when i really, really wanted to take a twenty minute vacation. my friend often accused me of not seeing his point of view, as if i had been sprung wholly recovered into this world. i not only understood it what he lives through, as i lived through it as well. he never saw me at my worst and he was not the first peer that looks at me today and does not get that i went through the same struggles they are living, before they came into my life.
where am i today? well i still have the desire for the folks around me to behave in a certain manner. i still get angry when strangers fail to live up to my expectations. i still believe that i am entitled to all sorts of nonsensical things. even though all of that is part of who i am and what i am willing to give up, i can walk through most days, without tripping into that la-la land of very ancient and far too familiar patterns. i am far from perfect and never expect to be perfect, but at least just for today, i would prefer to be less reactive and more accepting of what comes my way.
this little dip into memory lane reminds me of one of the men who used to call me his sponsor. he could never understand why those around him, did not act they he thought they ought to. after all, he would start, it is not the way i would have done it, they are not treating me with the respect that i deserve. as a result, he was always on edge, constantly pissed off, and seething with resentment and paranoia, as everyone was out to get him. it is no wonder that when he was part of my life, he could never stay clean, as i know that living in that state would certainly drive me to look for a quick bit of relief. i am grateful that the relief i found may not be quick or as easy at a little drop of poison. no it is through recovery, that i have left that state of being behind, even when i really, really wanted to take a twenty minute vacation. my friend often accused me of not seeing his point of view, as if i had been sprung wholly recovered into this world. i not only understood it what he lives through, as i lived through it as well. he never saw me at my worst and he was not the first peer that looks at me today and does not get that i went through the same struggles they are living, before they came into my life.
where am i today? well i still have the desire for the folks around me to behave in a certain manner. i still get angry when strangers fail to live up to my expectations. i still believe that i am entitled to all sorts of nonsensical things. even though all of that is part of who i am and what i am willing to give up, i can walk through most days, without tripping into that la-la land of very ancient and far too familiar patterns. i am far from perfect and never expect to be perfect, but at least just for today, i would prefer to be less reactive and more accepting of what comes my way.
∞ DT ∞