Some memes

that when i am part of a group conscience, the group needs to strive for unity, not uniformity and i am but one voice. in general, when my source material turns towards the group, rather than the individual, i default back to the source material that sustained me for twenty-five years or so. this morning, i decided to be okay with what i had and go down the path of how i affect the way my home group carries the message to the still suffering addict. although i often want to pass this sort of subject by, at least in this forum, this morning for reasons beyond my ken, this felt like the correct path to take. time will tell, whether or not i am doing the next right thing or wading into, what may be for me, dangerous waters.
i have a very strong personality and some convictions about how things need to be run, about which i am certainly, one may say, passionate. the end result has been that across the course of my recovery, there are times when i have bullied those with whom i served, into seeing things my way. as much as i want to come off as all spiritual and accommodating, the fact is, that my history with my peers in service has been quite the bumpy ride. more than once i had to remove myself from a group as i realized that my opinion carried far more weight than it deserved. even words, when i get really rolling, i see getting my way in a group conscience a zero sum game, that i have to win. the end result of those flaws in my character, is that i only participate in group conscience in my home group, where i am in the middle of the pack when it comes to clean time and service resumés. for me, it is important that i see myself as one of many, rather than the ONE that has ALL the answers.
life is more than ironic, in that when i started to serve my fellowship, i was there to save them from themselves. i am grateful that the fellowship was resilient enough to survive me and thrive. no longer do i need to dominate, even when tempted to do so. today, i can be a part of group conscience, express my opinion, sometimes rather strongly and allow a conscience to be formed, whether or not it conforms to my desires. the world does not stop, just because i do not get my way.
as i prepare to get out and about, i am feeling a bit sad about two addicts that have been part of my recovery. one was discovered dead at a bus stop on April 4th and the other seems to be losing his shit, spinning down in the crazies once again. both of them struggled to stay clean and get their asses into recovery for a myriad of excuses and reasons. although they seemed hopeless, i never gave up hope that they would find their way to sanity and stability. well one no longer has that opportunity and the other, well one will certainly see if he can find the ways and means to find a bit of structure and stability to his life.

∞ DT ∞