Some memes

the person i am becoming by showing up wholly and humbly, for all of my relationships today. i may not have been the most flaky person, way back when, but i certainly was not the most reliable or dependable. i do not how many time when “twenty minutes” stretched into hours and sometimes days. i am hardly proud of the multitude of times i showed up for something just to “be there,” with little or no intention of actually being present for what was happening, that sad litany of my evils, could go on and on, and the reading this morning, unleashed a torrent of memories from active addiction, mere abstinence and early recovery, of times that i was far from reliable in any sense of the word. i was, after all, all about me.
which brings me to a bit of a conundrum i have been facing lately. one of my peers, who was greatly respected and often lionized in my local fellowship, dies a few years ago in a tragic accident. i know a few facts about them, that would do more than tarnish their memory and lately, every time i hear one of my peers going on about them, i want to say: “but you know….” after being revealed to me, in the TENTH STEP last night, i know my motives are far from pure and what would i gain by “outing” them? i would be no happier. i would be no more self-assured. i would certainly not be better off by tarnishing those revered memories by spitting on their grave. so it comes down to a very familiar behavior that i have not exercised in a minute, of building myself up, by putting someone down. i gain more by keeping what i know, close to my chest, not because it is ammo for some emotional gunfight, somewhere down the road, been there, done that got the T-shirt. no, keeping quiet, is just the next right thing to do and the cost to me is NOTHING!
i need to get out and about and bring this mind dump exercise to an end. i am being present this morning for my spouse and her family, even though she did not ask me to be at her brother-in-law's memorial service. i made the choice to attend with her, because that is what i do, most of the the time, these days. this may not have been her favorite family member and regardless, she is there to support her sister, as i am there to support her. the ironic part of it all, is that i was attempting to fins the ways and means to avoid going along with her and was using the fact that she did not ask as the perfect “out.” dammit all, recovery is turning me into the sort of person who can be loving and caring, even when he does not want to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞