Some memes

creating a fellowship that is united, loving, and diverse, was once all about building myself up and being a ginormous fish in a very tiny pond. as i grew up in the fellowship, and saw that being that big fish was not a unifying thing, i started to wonder how best to serve. when my sponse suggested that i serve as if i was in the process of committing a felony, i was confused and hurt, before i realized he was saying that what i needed to be was just another fish in the pond, leaving fellowship fame and fortune to others. as i became one who did the work, expressed my opinion and supported the decisions that were made by group conscience, i felt better about myself and seemed to be more respected and better liked by my peers in the fellowship. in other words when i gave up and surrendered to anonymity, things worked out better for me.
this morning, as i attempted to steer myself more towards the reading ii have read for every Fourth of July for decades on end, i saw that perhaps i might consider my part in the chaos that is sometimes evident in the fellowship that allows me to live clean, just for today. i have strong opinions and often express them with great passion, that borders on bullying and intimidation. time and again, i have gotten those who opposed me to back down and agree, just by the force of my personality. when i butt heads with someone who is equally as string and adamant about their beliefs, chances are that we end any sort of relationship that was once at least cordial, even if i surrender to a group conscience, in which i do not support, by any stretch of the imagination. even if i am proved correct in the long run, the damage i did can persist for years afterwards and for that i take full responsibility, i pushed, i bullied, i yelled and even though i caved, i still walked away with a chip on my shoulder and a decision that it was time to move on.
in the end, i am better off, being a worker bee and keeping my participation in group conscience limited to my home group. i live and recover better and i am certain the fellowship is better off, following the path of the notions of those who have more recently arrived in recovery. quite honestly, i do not know what someone who is coming into the rooms today, needs to stay clean. all i can offer is how i did it, what i do to foster my recovery, today. perhaps the kinder, softer approach is what is needed, even if i am not one of those softer kinder sort of people. it is not up to me, to decide what others need to stay clean today. just for today, i will be a force for unity, rather than division and find the path towards a stronger more diverse fellowship.

∞ DT ∞