๐ค change is ๐ค
Posted: Fri, Aug 8, 2025 10:30:42 AM
a process, not an event. okay i was going to throw in a very bad joke about change not happening fast enough for me, and yet, happening far too fast. a fact of my life, is i hate change, even when it is for the better. i was not all that thrilled when i was told that i had to change everything, when i walked into the rooms. i also was not overly thrilled when i was told that i needed personality change, as i believed i was just FINE the way i was. these days, i am all in on the personality change and have come to accept that perhaps this recovery gig is paying off.
this morning, after a night of poor sleep and a very light workout, i can be grateful that i only have to accept myself as i am right here and right now. i do not have to accept the what i am no longer nor that what i may become. i have been full of regrets about how i once was and what i once did and allowed that past to define me. when that sort of mood was upon me, i would attempt to dispel it by projecting what i will become and removing the sting of dwelling in the past. that se-saw between different states of what is not, was tiring and not very productive. i accept that i am a work in progress today and that which i find unacceptable within me may be removed if i choose to continue the process of recovery that fosters change. today i embrace that process and am willing to do whatever it takes to keep it happening.
i may have got addicted the first time i used, but recovery was not a just add water and stir sort of thing. for me, it was a lifestyle change. as i said in the meeting last night, once i got clean and have a few days under my belt, using became a choice for me, rather than a necessity. i may not have made the choice to embrace recovery, but i chose, day in and day out, not to use. yes there was plenty of self-will and white-knuckled stubbornness to enforce that choice, but all that effort brought me to a place where recovery seemed like a better alternative. i do not if i have ever admitted it here, but i loved the feeling of getting high and all of its consequences. i still have that choice today, to use or not to use, that is the question. today, i choose to stay clean for another day, just for today.
this morning, after a night of poor sleep and a very light workout, i can be grateful that i only have to accept myself as i am right here and right now. i do not have to accept the what i am no longer nor that what i may become. i have been full of regrets about how i once was and what i once did and allowed that past to define me. when that sort of mood was upon me, i would attempt to dispel it by projecting what i will become and removing the sting of dwelling in the past. that se-saw between different states of what is not, was tiring and not very productive. i accept that i am a work in progress today and that which i find unacceptable within me may be removed if i choose to continue the process of recovery that fosters change. today i embrace that process and am willing to do whatever it takes to keep it happening.
i may have got addicted the first time i used, but recovery was not a just add water and stir sort of thing. for me, it was a lifestyle change. as i said in the meeting last night, once i got clean and have a few days under my belt, using became a choice for me, rather than a necessity. i may not have made the choice to embrace recovery, but i chose, day in and day out, not to use. yes there was plenty of self-will and white-knuckled stubbornness to enforce that choice, but all that effort brought me to a place where recovery seemed like a better alternative. i do not if i have ever admitted it here, but i loved the feeling of getting high and all of its consequences. i still have that choice today, to use or not to use, that is the question. today, i choose to stay clean for another day, just for today.
∞ DT ∞