๐คข as i have no ๐คฏ
Posted: Fri, Aug 15, 2025 10:57:43 AM
stomach to pay a spiritual price, i am slower to act out on my most basic urges and selfish desires. i am being a bit punnishing here, as i have often said that when i grew a conscience, it landed in my stomach. it was one of the most annoying side effects of getting clean, as it felt nearly the same as it did just before i got high. i am glad that was a phase and as i stay clean and live a program of recovery, that has gone by the wayside. it is now my looming daily TENTH STEP that plays the biggest role in determining when i act out. amongst the consequences for my less than stellar behavior, is an admission that i was wrong. i still HATE to admit when i am wrong, so i do my best to stay on the correct side of the world around me.
the whole notion that addiction somehow robbed me of having a moral compass is a troubling one for me. i did have a moral compass, it just was not in alignment with most of the rest of the world. it was all about getting what i wanted and what i thought i needed, regardless of the consequences. because of that standard, very little of my actions violated my moral compass, so using to assuage my guilt was not part of my play card. if the end result was i got to get high, than it was worth whatever price i ended up paying, even when i crunched others to get my way. i do have more than a few regrets over all of that, but as i live in a different manner today, i can peek at those days in m rear-view mirror and sleep easily at night.
last night, my txt buddy sent me his thoughts on the source material for the meeting he attended. something he brought up, was that some of our peers are triggered by the words “defects” and “shortcomings.” this is not a new thing, as i have heard the same whining since before i became a member, in fact i do believe i was among that Greek chorus of pain and misery. as i came to a place where i could find some self-acceptance and was no longer stung by admitting i was an addict, those two words lost their power. i cannot say what goes on in the heads of my peers, but i can say that for me, i was hard enough to have any self-esteem, especially when i saw myself as defective and full to the brim with shortcomings. a trip through STEPS SIX and SEVEN, gave me the opportunity to see myself as a flawed human being who did behaved badly through normal human attributes and behaviors that were warped out of proportion by active addiction. i no longer define myself by my defects and shortcomings, and understand that they are part and parcel of the complete human package which is how i see myself these days. i have a conscience today and i have learned to live within the constraints of the spiritual principles that are my life, just for today.
the whole notion that addiction somehow robbed me of having a moral compass is a troubling one for me. i did have a moral compass, it just was not in alignment with most of the rest of the world. it was all about getting what i wanted and what i thought i needed, regardless of the consequences. because of that standard, very little of my actions violated my moral compass, so using to assuage my guilt was not part of my play card. if the end result was i got to get high, than it was worth whatever price i ended up paying, even when i crunched others to get my way. i do have more than a few regrets over all of that, but as i live in a different manner today, i can peek at those days in m rear-view mirror and sleep easily at night.
last night, my txt buddy sent me his thoughts on the source material for the meeting he attended. something he brought up, was that some of our peers are triggered by the words “defects” and “shortcomings.” this is not a new thing, as i have heard the same whining since before i became a member, in fact i do believe i was among that Greek chorus of pain and misery. as i came to a place where i could find some self-acceptance and was no longer stung by admitting i was an addict, those two words lost their power. i cannot say what goes on in the heads of my peers, but i can say that for me, i was hard enough to have any self-esteem, especially when i saw myself as defective and full to the brim with shortcomings. a trip through STEPS SIX and SEVEN, gave me the opportunity to see myself as a flawed human being who did behaved badly through normal human attributes and behaviors that were warped out of proportion by active addiction. i no longer define myself by my defects and shortcomings, and understand that they are part and parcel of the complete human package which is how i see myself these days. i have a conscience today and i have learned to live within the constraints of the spiritual principles that are my life, just for today.
∞ DT ∞