๐ค before coming to ๐ก
Posted: Mon, Nov 10, 2025 12:11:19 PM
in recovery, i was chiefly motivated by selfishness with a reckless, feverish focus on finding ways and means to get more drugs. i did not take to this recovery gig very quickly, as i have written about in the past, but once i got desperate enough, i dove into at least looking like the model of a recovering addict. my theory was that IF i looked the part, i would be accepted by my peers as someone to emulate and respect. mixed motives for service? you bet! 😉 as time went on and i continued to serve and find my place in the fellowship and the world around me, my desire to look good diminished and i tired of keeping up appearances. make no mistake, this process was not one that occurred overnight, in fact it took a decade to be fully realized. even then, it was another decade and a half before i finally started to be me and let go of the desire to have others see me as something i was not.
as i sit here this morning on my day off, i can honestly say that i am feeling my desire to exercise integrity and good will. the one thing that came bubbling up o the surface as i listened to the void was that i no longer want to live in the what was and having the desire of the world around me, to conform to my expectations is not really something i want to hold on to. i am starting to “feel” the changes of my THIRD STEP. the other thing that i heard, was that i do not have to rush to get out and about these days. living life on the schedule i used to hold myself to, is no longer my reality. that is one of the toughest things for me to let go of, and i am more than a bit confused as to why i would want to be beholden to something that is not in my best interests. what i keep getting is that i have yet to accept that as my new life and reality. why i might want to return to being a slave to the clock is a mystery to me and perhaps it is to keep me from falling into a life without purpose or direction. well i certainly do not have a lot to do on a daily basis, but i do have a direction and purpose today: stay clean, live in active recovery and allow myself the freedom to improvise to meet the events of the day. just for today, i will be myself and let the world spin as it will, letting go, to the best of my ability, my expectations of how things should go.
as i sit here this morning on my day off, i can honestly say that i am feeling my desire to exercise integrity and good will. the one thing that came bubbling up o the surface as i listened to the void was that i no longer want to live in the what was and having the desire of the world around me, to conform to my expectations is not really something i want to hold on to. i am starting to “feel” the changes of my THIRD STEP. the other thing that i heard, was that i do not have to rush to get out and about these days. living life on the schedule i used to hold myself to, is no longer my reality. that is one of the toughest things for me to let go of, and i am more than a bit confused as to why i would want to be beholden to something that is not in my best interests. what i keep getting is that i have yet to accept that as my new life and reality. why i might want to return to being a slave to the clock is a mystery to me and perhaps it is to keep me from falling into a life without purpose or direction. well i certainly do not have a lot to do on a daily basis, but i do have a direction and purpose today: stay clean, live in active recovery and allow myself the freedom to improvise to meet the events of the day. just for today, i will be myself and let the world spin as it will, letting go, to the best of my ability, my expectations of how things should go.
∞ DT ∞