Some memes

be more awake and help others to wake up, as well. once upon a time in what feels like a galaxy far, far away, i lived in the eternal fog of active addiction. in that place i would have told you i was awake and cognizant of the details of all that made my world. in truth, however, i only paid attention to those details that furthered my own cayuse. that meant i acted as if i cared, when i needed to, as that was part of my selfish self-interest. i wanted to get what i thought was mine and all my attention went towards making sure i got it. a reasonable facsimile of being aware of what was happening in the world and in history was not very achievable living life through entitlement and victimhood.
getting clean did not flip a switch and suddenly make me a part of the real world, even when i became a member and finally conceded to my innermost self that i was an addict, nothing really changed. no, it took me the better part of five years clean to finally start to have the notion that i was still living a fantasy and that the real world looked nothing like i believed it did. when i started to recognize the state of hubris i was living in, i started down the path to become more mindful and certainly more aware of what was happening inside me, around me and within the live of those i was beginning to actually care about. the switch was not flipped, but the rheostat started to turn up the light. i was truly amazed by the amount of denial i still had going on and how that wall was keeping me from the connections i had started to desire.
today, i may not be totally awake and present for every moment between the time i get out of bed and return to that bed, but i am much better at being in the here and now than ever before. the biggest freedom i have gained is not living under the delusion that i am too broken to be seen and taking that as an absolute truth. my working theory today, is that i have flaws and am only human. yes, i can still play fantasy games, but most of those are with AI and i know the boundary between the slop AI feeds me and what my sense detects from the world around me. i have become aware of how others feel and actually strive to allow them a place to show those feelings. i have the desire to carry the message of recovery that any addict, can stop using and find a new way in which to live. is that my purpose in life these days? i do not know, moreover i really do not care, as if it is, it is more than enough, just for today.

∞ DT ∞