Some memes

a state of mind, not a state of being. i have to admit that when i stumbled across this snippet this morning, it really spoke to me. i have always though i understood freedom, in active addiction i was free to do what i wanted as i selfishly grabbed for all i wanted. i know now that i was hardly free, as i was under the power of addiction. when i got clean, i believed being free would be when i figured out how to get out of the justice system. when i first accepted that i needed recovery, i believed i was free because everything i did could be blamed on addiction. as i sat this morning, i realized that what i was seeking was a state of being, not a state of mind. i think back to a year ago when i dreaded going to work for the company i was working for and even then i thought i was free to walk whenever. that delsuion kept me miserable until circumstances forced my hand and i found myself unemployed and unable to find a new gig. taking the first step to the freedom i have today, was admitting that perhaps, i was being given grace and it was time to retire. i never got that, until this morning when i felt for the first time, ever, that i am truly free, because i no longer chain my mind to the FEAR that kept me sick.
sitting here now, i see freedom is not having all the money in the world. freedom is not being able to win friends and influence everyone who crosses my path. no, freedom today means that i get to choose who i am, how i look to the rest of the world and letting go of what others may think. when i respect myself and look at the path that brought me to this minute, i always “knew” that freedom was not free, it took work to let go of the chains that bound me: material success, an identity tied to what i did for a living and the number of days of clean time that i had. arriving late in life to a place where i feel free, was not a destination i ever considered, much less coveted. and yet here i am, deciding how i might be kind today.
at my little part-time job a very unpopular co-worker is having a going away party today. my intention as late as this morning was to show up on time for work, instead of showing up early to honor her. after my home group, i decided that i could be kind and show up early to say goodbye, before i punched the clock. i may be the only one there, but it does not matter as i am better than being a stick in the mud and being disrespectful and hurtful, even if that is my desire. today, this act of kindness costs me very little and i am willing to pay that cost. life goes on and i can free myself from the judgement of others that holds me back. i am “well” enough today, to be a part of her farewell and wish her luck in her next endeavor.

∞ DT ∞