Some memes

each discovery and freely share what i have learned so others can see how my journey continues. it is not often that i get to read something that speaks about members who have decades clean. i understand that our primary purpose i to carry the message to the still suffering addict, which more often than not, is implied to mean the newest of the new and those who are waiting just outside the doors of recovery. in all the rush to save the thousands, i have felt left behind more than once, because i felt my suffering could not be nearly as great as the suffering of a newcomer. that message was implanted in me around the time i had my tenth anniversary of my clean date and someone told me i was no longer a pup in recovery so suck it up. it was enhanced across the years by my peers who “share for the newcomers” the bright and shiny version of their lives and their emotional state. it was nothing anyone ever said to me, but i took it on that at this point in my recovery i “should” be better than this. recently i have s=come to see that this sort of mental trap is just another way to treat myself with less worth than i treat the average newcomer. it allows me to build my ego by living in a state of false humility and the payoff i get, is i get to be all butt-hurt and victimized. 🤪
this morning as i sat and listened to the quiet of the void, what i heard was an affirmation of sorts: i am just as worthy as any one else of sharing my pain and spreading my joy, even if i have multiple decades of clean time. i am not an affirmation sort of guy, but that one may just be one that i print out and put on my mirror. no, i do not think so, but i certainly could ads it to my TENTH STEP as simple question: did i believe my suffering and pain was less worthy than anyone else's? it is amazing what sitting at the door of the FOURTH STEP can bring to someone like me.
moving into the here and now, as in right here and right now, my plans for today are contingent on the arrival and departure of the HVAC technician. i may not have ton to get done today, but i am far from patient when waiting for service guys to arrive. this idea of handing out for two hours, irk the living shit out of me, if i am being honest. as much as it may pain me to say it, i want to be in control of my life, my time and my day and today i had to surrender control to others. i know that i really am mostly powerless over nearly everything outside of my own self and my recovery, but that knowledge alone does not make my patience grow in leaps and bounds. putting it down and writing and sharing these bits and bytes on the internet, really does little to foster patience. no, this addict just must accept that in this slice of time, he is doomed to stay home, play on his computer and wait. patiently, not hardly but at least i can wait productively, just for today.

∞ DT ∞