Some memes

strive to accept my past and move on from it, though others may not. believe it or not, at this point in my recovery, this is not an issue for me. yes, there are still a few things i have regrets about and a lingering doubt or two of whether or not i have forgiven myself. on the whole, however, i accept that my past is my past. yes, i almost dismissed this source material as not something i would take with me into the void. i then realized that if i was choosing to look away form something, maybe there was fire under that smoke. as i sat and was very uncomfortable physically due to my exertion yesterday, i realized that i had not yet forgiven myself for punting on my job and not doing everything it took to stay employed and employable. i hated working there and lacked the courage to walk away, so i did the bare minimum and kept my distance so they would let me go. that was a trick i pulled out of my bag of tricks, i get to play the victim by forcing the hand of someone else. it is not the actual act that i have to forgive, it is the ease that i slipped into that mode and was quite comfortable doing.
yesterday, as i was tiring out, i actually thought to myself that i could jog the last kilometer and still get a time under one hour. i did not push myself, but i chose to keep the pace and as things turned out, i would have failed to meet my written in stone gaol of less than sixty minutes. when things got tough i was ready to give up, once again. i do not accept that as default behavior and have resolved to find alternate ways to handle my doubts when i am trying to do something hard. my recovery, my spiritual well-being, my emotional state and my physical fitness are all so interwoven it is hard to decide which should be honored and where i can slack. what i heard this morning, is none of those states are negotiable and i need to work on each and every single one of them, each and every day. right here and right now, it is off to the Dr office for a diagnostic test. taking care of my physical self, includes a walk rather than a drive and i am good with that, as it was part of my plane of this day. nothing hard is left for me to do today, so i get to slide into rest of my day.

∞ DT ∞