๐ญ practicing integrity ๐ญ
Posted: Wed, May 27, 2026 11:26:13 AM
by reliably being all that i am, ensuring that my actions reflect what is inside me. this morning, i am in a fairly good place, emotionally, spiritually and physically. i wanted to work out a bit harder than the workout suggested by my fitness tracker, but decided to go with the flow. that flow today, happens to be a relaxing day with nothing pending. when i opened my source material this morning, what i did not consider was what the material was going to really be about, as i almost see integrity as doing the correct action for the correct reasons. looking at integrity as making my outsides in word and deed match my insides and my evolving values, is an interesting take. the other take away from my source material is doing something that conforms to may values, even when i do not feel like it.
wearing personas was my main mode of operation, even before i used for the first time as they fed the lie i polished into my “TRUTH:” i was too broken to be seen by anybody. that only sharpened in active addiction and when i was merely abstinent. the most humbling part of that is even though i was slowly coming to see what was really true, i remained in the shadows for the first twenty-five years of my recovery, for just about everyone in my life. i am still reconciling my self image with what i believed was true for decades on end. yes, today i am closer to knowing and showing who i am, but even that comes with more than a few caveats, as i slide back into familiar modes of behavior and thinking. practicing showing who i am to the world around me, is still a skill that i am developing.
the simple fact of the matter is, as i become more comfortable with who i am, who i was and how i lived become less important, more like footnotes to my biography rather than the story itself. it is not as if my past did not matter, protection while hiding in plain sight was certainly a form of integrity throughout those years. i always acted true to my TRUTH, even when it kept me from seeing who i truly was. as i get comfortable in being who i am, allowing myself to believe that i am not now, nor was i ever “too broken,” i get to see the world in a different manner. the world may still be cruel cold and indifferent to my suffering, but i am in the center of a circle of support and care that i never believed i could embrace. embracing what i am is part of living life in active recovery, even if i treat myself as if i am still hiding from the world. as i progress through this set of steps, i am coming to see that integrity also means treating myself with the same concern and care as others are already showing me.
wearing personas was my main mode of operation, even before i used for the first time as they fed the lie i polished into my “TRUTH:” i was too broken to be seen by anybody. that only sharpened in active addiction and when i was merely abstinent. the most humbling part of that is even though i was slowly coming to see what was really true, i remained in the shadows for the first twenty-five years of my recovery, for just about everyone in my life. i am still reconciling my self image with what i believed was true for decades on end. yes, today i am closer to knowing and showing who i am, but even that comes with more than a few caveats, as i slide back into familiar modes of behavior and thinking. practicing showing who i am to the world around me, is still a skill that i am developing.
the simple fact of the matter is, as i become more comfortable with who i am, who i was and how i lived become less important, more like footnotes to my biography rather than the story itself. it is not as if my past did not matter, protection while hiding in plain sight was certainly a form of integrity throughout those years. i always acted true to my TRUTH, even when it kept me from seeing who i truly was. as i get comfortable in being who i am, allowing myself to believe that i am not now, nor was i ever “too broken,” i get to see the world in a different manner. the world may still be cruel cold and indifferent to my suffering, but i am in the center of a circle of support and care that i never believed i could embrace. embracing what i am is part of living life in active recovery, even if i treat myself as if i am still hiding from the world. as i progress through this set of steps, i am coming to see that integrity also means treating myself with the same concern and care as others are already showing me.
∞ DT ∞