Some memes

pride, ego, and denial were essential to my survival, as they allowed me to fake a fierce sense of independence. all that i saw, thought and heard were run through the filter of those three deadly sins and i saw no reason to ever change it. they protected me from the world around me, by buttressing the wall i had built around my innermost and true self. unfortunately, that wall kept me from seeing that maybe, just maybe, getting a helping hand or two with the emotional and spiritual challenges i faced in early recovery, might just be what i needed. humility, to me anyhow meant being humiliated. i saw asking for support to be something only the weak and feeble would do and i was neither weak or feeble. when i finally came to and found myself desperate for an answer or three, the first thing that needed to go was pride, ego and denial. one thing my sponsor never said was that i had to “break” my ego, he simply suggested that maybe i could let it go and look for a different source for my pride.
my source material was all about finding the humility in STEP TWO. what i heard was that i was living in a sense of false humility by pretending that somehow, thinking about my resentment list and my resentments as rational or irrational, may not be the best course of action. as a result, today, i will write the list and a bit of a summary about each one, so i can get cranking on my FOURTH STEP. today is not about pounding them all out. it is all about getting the names down in ink, in my notebook. that is the first part of getting rolling and i have three days of work on the slow side to do just that.
life in my skin is not uncomfortable these days, but i have to admit, i take a bit of pride at making someone uncomfortable just by being present. at my home group this morning, a peer showed up who still may have an issue or three about my actions and the actions of some of my friends and sponsees, that happened years ago. there is a part of me that still gets a thrill when unresolved issues show their ugly head and they are not mine. i let go of my discomfort with him a very long time ago and when i want to wonder what he thinks about me, i quickly dismiss the idea as it does nothing to enhance my recovery journey. in fact, what someone else may or may not think about me, is none of my bidness and it is a credo i attempt to live by today. perhaps my thrill of pride will be gone the next time i see him, as it seems to be reduced each time he happens to show up. just for today, however, i am all about a list of resentments, even those that are cray-cray and irrational. my list should give my sponse and i a few hearty chuckles when i present it to him.

∞ DT ∞