Some memes

to in recovery, when asked to lead, my ravenous need for perfection and validation, my self-importance, competitiveness, and attention-seeking branded those situations. the caveat here is that i became aware, which means that even in recovery, i could behave in a similar manner. the only difference was that i was well-versed in traditions and literature so i could cherry pick my rationalizations and justifications from the written word, not unlike the modern day biblical scholars who justify racism, misogyny and intolerance as part of the canon of their faith. i, however, digress and need to get out of the dark hole in which i have put myself. easy-peasy, that was then and this is now. i know that serving my peers or my customers is not about status or looking good, it is all about just doing the next right thing.
this morning as i sat for way too long, what came bubbling up from the depths was a feeling of contentment. for whatever reason, i felt content this morning and that feeling persists still. i had decided to abandon all hope of tolerating one of my co-workers, by consciously removing from my limited bandwidth and letting go. ironically, no sooner than i had made that decision when <BOOM> i saw him driving down a street in my neighborhood as i was walking my three mile workout. i guess if i was one of those who took coincidence as signs i might be a bit trepidatious about my decision. since i am not, what i took it for was a reminder that even if i do not give him bandwidth, the chance exist that he will consume some, so i might as well accept the reality of him being part of my world, even though i do not wish him to be. my desire is overridden by the reality of life in a small city.
the question remains of how do i practice service to my fellowship with humility. this is of course where ego takes over and i present a litany of how i selflessly serve in all sorts of situation, breaking my own arm, patting myself on my back. 🤪 🤭 🤯 the fact is, i serve quietly these days. it is not hat i have lost the desire to be a big fish in a small pond and get all sorts of recognition for what i do, i just no longer feel the need to feed that part of me. the steps and the program have given me the ways and means to be myself and serve my fellows without getting applause. that has been a long time coming and i consciously avoid situations where that need may rise up again and consume me. that is the awkward part of having a bit of self-knowledge, i can say the quiet part out loud and right-size my ego, once again, just for today.

∞ DT ∞