Some memes

i can live with my choices, and, if not, i can make different ones! responsibility; BAH HUMBUG, who wants it! there have been times in my recovery where i actually envied my peers who were using and homeless. as weird as that may seem, what i saw was a life with very few responsibilities, get what i need to eat, drink and get high and let the rest of the world slide around without me. even thinking about that now, i can see how freaking insane that thought really is. the life of the homeless is not one long idyll all day long. it is no less insane than the attitudes i had when i got to the rooms and through my early recovery. i was not responsible for anything, the world, the law, my parents, bad luck or poor timing were to blame, never me. when i was told. time and again that it was not the friend who ratted me out that was to blame for my legal predicament, i screamed bloody murder, after all if he had just kept his mouth shut …
this morning as i stumbled into the day, i almost have a touch of gratitude for having responsibility in my life. when i chose to deny the reality of having consequences for my decisions i felt powerless even though i would pretend i had power. i may not have any more power than i used to, but i have come to a place where i accept that there will be consequences for my decisions, or even worse my inability or conscious desire not to decide. i may still choose a decision, even if i am quite sure that the downstream consequences may not be to my liking, out of the hope that i am wrong. yes, another form of insanity and wishful thinking. better put, lying to myself to justify something in the here and now that meets my immediate desires. for me, it is not money or material things that are the root of all evil. it is my unbridled desire that leads me down dead end paths and into walls i could have avoided. remembering responsibility tempers my desire, but hardly removes it from my current existence. what i do get, in the here and now, is an opportunity to examine whether or not fulfilling a desire or three will make me more of anything i wish to be.
as i start to get out and about, into this searchingly hot day, i can be grateful that i recognize responsibility as a gift. today, i have no desire to be living in a car with my dog, spending every penny i earn on cigars, rather than finding a permanent place to live. i can be grateful that i am not chasing a desire to use, or looking for the perfect dumpster for my daily bread. because once upon a time, i decided that a life in recovery may be worth investigating, i have a life today that i never considered was possible. no i will not get all yippy-skippy about how perfect it is or how i accept every single facet of this life as being part of some plan. what i will say, however, i am grateful for it, regardless of the slings and arrows that are part and parcel of it. i am clean today and yes, i take responsibility for my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞