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Posted: Mon, Aug 3, 2026 11:01:18 AM
before me as i focus on the common welfare of the fellowship that is my recovery home. i can actually admit that i almost skipped over using this topic to start my day, it is one of those topics that i have written about many times in the past. as a result, coming up with something new, exciting and different, is quite a job. even in my quietest moment this morning, very little new came bubbling up from the depths. that being said, what i did “hear” this morning was that i have become inflexible in how i see someone in my life that irritates the living shit out of me.
that person is not a member of the fellowship, or at least he has never revealed whether or not he follows any sort of path of recovery. the problem i am having, is that the more i am around him and interact with him, the less sympathetic or empathetic i am to his plight. instead of being indifferent, as i once was, now i find everything i possibly can to indict him as someone who is not worth my time, attention or concern. this is an attitude i had when i was in active addiction and as my feelings thawed since i stopped getting high, it is a place within which i have no desire to dwell. and yet, here i am again. i could go down into a place of self-loathing and allow myself to wallow in the self-pity of not being good enough or “well” enough. been there, done that, got several T-shirts. instead i choose to see what it is that is driving me to that place.
i often default to judging others based on outward appearances. if this was the case in this instance, all would be well. i could say, what is it in his appearance that is triggering my judgement. that, however, is not the case here. what i see is that i have a bit of envy of his life without responsibility and what appear to be no desire to improve his situation. the reason that it rings true for me is because that is how i lived before recovery. accepting the default if i could not or would not exercise agency in my life was an empty existence but one that i found far too comfortable. even when i was a victim of that behavior, it felt desirable to me. i could live a life based in DESIRE and play off the consequences as beyond my control. i am fairly certain that may not be the case with him, but it is where i go when i attempt to place myself in his shoes. spending my whole paycheck on cheap cigars, feeding myself from the food bank and idling away my days almost feels like an existence that i could be well adapted to living.
as i while away this morning, relaxing with a cigar and working on one of my several unfinished works of fiction, i have reached the place where i see that my envy is tied to an ancient desire that is no longer active in my life. i want agency for living. i want responsibility. i want a life that is more than just getting by. i have dragged the bottom of my emotional life in the past, cutting out the highs and the lows i once found that as a state of being that required my active maintenance. today, i see that as a place i could return to or as a lesson of what once was and is no longer who i am. understanding that i may idly wish for what once was and see that state through nostalgic recall, is not the direction my life is moving these days.
that person is not a member of the fellowship, or at least he has never revealed whether or not he follows any sort of path of recovery. the problem i am having, is that the more i am around him and interact with him, the less sympathetic or empathetic i am to his plight. instead of being indifferent, as i once was, now i find everything i possibly can to indict him as someone who is not worth my time, attention or concern. this is an attitude i had when i was in active addiction and as my feelings thawed since i stopped getting high, it is a place within which i have no desire to dwell. and yet, here i am again. i could go down into a place of self-loathing and allow myself to wallow in the self-pity of not being good enough or “well” enough. been there, done that, got several T-shirts. instead i choose to see what it is that is driving me to that place.
i often default to judging others based on outward appearances. if this was the case in this instance, all would be well. i could say, what is it in his appearance that is triggering my judgement. that, however, is not the case here. what i see is that i have a bit of envy of his life without responsibility and what appear to be no desire to improve his situation. the reason that it rings true for me is because that is how i lived before recovery. accepting the default if i could not or would not exercise agency in my life was an empty existence but one that i found far too comfortable. even when i was a victim of that behavior, it felt desirable to me. i could live a life based in DESIRE and play off the consequences as beyond my control. i am fairly certain that may not be the case with him, but it is where i go when i attempt to place myself in his shoes. spending my whole paycheck on cheap cigars, feeding myself from the food bank and idling away my days almost feels like an existence that i could be well adapted to living.
as i while away this morning, relaxing with a cigar and working on one of my several unfinished works of fiction, i have reached the place where i see that my envy is tied to an ancient desire that is no longer active in my life. i want agency for living. i want responsibility. i want a life that is more than just getting by. i have dragged the bottom of my emotional life in the past, cutting out the highs and the lows i once found that as a state of being that required my active maintenance. today, i see that as a place i could return to or as a lesson of what once was and is no longer who i am. understanding that i may idly wish for what once was and see that state through nostalgic recall, is not the direction my life is moving these days.
∞ DT ∞