โ my recovery must come first. job or no job, relationship or no relationship, โ
Posted: Sat, Dec 2, 2006 08:21:22 AM
recovery is the foundation of my life, making everything else possible.
i often forget that if i was not walking this path, i would not have a job or relationship to interfere with what i need to do, to not USE NO MATTER WHAT!
wait, i do not have a job, and working for myself seems to make things worse, there is always an unfinished project on my desktop, a client that has fires that need to be extinguished, and i need to work seven days a week eighteen hours a day to keep up. after all it is my responsibility to meet the expectation of my clients, regardless of whether i am in recovery or not. i am getting quite used to the fund flow in and out of my bank accounts and somewhere, someone told me that he who dies with the most toys wins! although i have yet to divert myself with extraneous toys, i am beginning to see that day approaching as my consumer debt and obligations begin to dissolve under a flurry of over payments.
so what does my current glimmer of financial success have to do with priorities in my life? well i can see me slipping quite easily into the money is everything mode. there was once a time in my life where i believed i was not materialistic, and the truth was that i lied to myself because i lacked the resources to chase down the material things that i wanted. self-deception prevented me from feeling even worse that i did in my active addiction. these days, i have the means to get those things i have always desired but faked myself into believing that i did not. and that behavior will only reinforce the notion that i do not have time to care for my recovery, and recovery will start to slide down my priority list. in fact the evidence is there , that is already happening. i have no group level service commitment, i only go to two meetings a week on a regular basis and i am finding more reasons not to attend even those, and i have not called my sponsor in two months. no wonder i a seething cauldron of anger these days.
HMMMMMMM?
what to do? well give Carlos a call would be a good first step, then spend a bit of time with my step work, and make sure i get to a meeting. simple enough, and perhaps i will take my own suggestions today. or perhaps not, after all.....
i often forget that if i was not walking this path, i would not have a job or relationship to interfere with what i need to do, to not USE NO MATTER WHAT!
wait, i do not have a job, and working for myself seems to make things worse, there is always an unfinished project on my desktop, a client that has fires that need to be extinguished, and i need to work seven days a week eighteen hours a day to keep up. after all it is my responsibility to meet the expectation of my clients, regardless of whether i am in recovery or not. i am getting quite used to the fund flow in and out of my bank accounts and somewhere, someone told me that he who dies with the most toys wins! although i have yet to divert myself with extraneous toys, i am beginning to see that day approaching as my consumer debt and obligations begin to dissolve under a flurry of over payments.
so what does my current glimmer of financial success have to do with priorities in my life? well i can see me slipping quite easily into the money is everything mode. there was once a time in my life where i believed i was not materialistic, and the truth was that i lied to myself because i lacked the resources to chase down the material things that i wanted. self-deception prevented me from feeling even worse that i did in my active addiction. these days, i have the means to get those things i have always desired but faked myself into believing that i did not. and that behavior will only reinforce the notion that i do not have time to care for my recovery, and recovery will start to slide down my priority list. in fact the evidence is there , that is already happening. i have no group level service commitment, i only go to two meetings a week on a regular basis and i am finding more reasons not to attend even those, and i have not called my sponsor in two months. no wonder i a seething cauldron of anger these days.
HMMMMMMM?
what to do? well give Carlos a call would be a good first step, then spend a bit of time with my step work, and make sure i get to a meeting. simple enough, and perhaps i will take my own suggestions today. or perhaps not, after all.....
∞ DT ∞