∞ i believed that if i let others get to know me, they would only find out how terribly flawed i was. ∞
Posted: Thu, Mar 15, 2007 08:17:31 AM
rejection would be only a short step away.
the fear of that rejection is still active in my life today, after all it is all about appearances for me, so if i only show what i want to show, and keep my distance from others even those in the fellowship. the part of me i call my disease uses this fear over and over again in my daily life, even in recovery, so when this reading comes along in the annual cycle, it gets me pondering if this current behavior is based on reality or just part of the survival shit i developed over the course my active addiction. do i really need to hide who i am from those around me? probably not, what i take such great pains to hide is probably painfully obvious to everyone especially those with whom i share my recovery. so why bother trying to be who i am not? is it really worth the effort? well the answer to both of those questions is NO!! i do want to be a part of something GREATER than myself, i am tired of living life in the shadows of active addiction, so if i am unwilling to do that work than the best course of action for me is to stop acting on those current behaviors. simple but not easy, after all i have done this for so long, how can i live in a different manner? well the answer is in the steps. i am embarking on a sixth step and therein lies the solution to my concerns. yes, it is painful for me to inventory my defects of character, and yes there is fear around uncovering my true nature. so the spiritual principles that lead to humility are self-acceptance and courage. i can be who i am, and let the chips fall where they will. there is a better way for me to live today and it is not in isolation.
the fear of that rejection is still active in my life today, after all it is all about appearances for me, so if i only show what i want to show, and keep my distance from others even those in the fellowship. the part of me i call my disease uses this fear over and over again in my daily life, even in recovery, so when this reading comes along in the annual cycle, it gets me pondering if this current behavior is based on reality or just part of the survival shit i developed over the course my active addiction. do i really need to hide who i am from those around me? probably not, what i take such great pains to hide is probably painfully obvious to everyone especially those with whom i share my recovery. so why bother trying to be who i am not? is it really worth the effort? well the answer to both of those questions is NO!! i do want to be a part of something GREATER than myself, i am tired of living life in the shadows of active addiction, so if i am unwilling to do that work than the best course of action for me is to stop acting on those current behaviors. simple but not easy, after all i have done this for so long, how can i live in a different manner? well the answer is in the steps. i am embarking on a sixth step and therein lies the solution to my concerns. yes, it is painful for me to inventory my defects of character, and yes there is fear around uncovering my true nature. so the spiritual principles that lead to humility are self-acceptance and courage. i can be who i am, and let the chips fall where they will. there is a better way for me to live today and it is not in isolation.
∞ DT ∞