Blog entry for:

at the core of my alienation and isolation, even to this day, with a minute or so clean. i am still more than a bit socially awkward and at times, it is just easier for me to step away and be alone than it is to be part of something. i am grateful that i have friends and peers in recovery, who tell me that it “might” be okay to step away, but it is probably not a good plan, if one wants to thrive in one's recovery. i know that i have said it to others and when it is said to me, i want to become all defensive and prickly, arguing that even the most social butterflies need some down time from the world. my friends cannot disagree with that statement, but of course they see deeper than the shallow reassurances i am giving and are correct in expressing their concern and if i allow myself to drift away, i may no longer feel a part of anything, much less the fellowship that has given me this new life.
as i prepare to get out of my abode for a bit of work in a smoke-filled room, i am struck by the fact that even though my spouse is not here, i have not spent more than a single night home alone. that may change this evening. two days off from the drama and trauma is making me a bit nervous, wondering when the next shoe is going to drop. i know that sort of doom and gloom is based on patterns of thinking that were laid down a long, long, long time ago and i do not need to feed that troll. i think that instead of going down that path, i will simple let go, finish this up and state that just for today, i am more than just grateful that i have found a place where i can belong as part of something greater than myself.

∞ DT ∞