β on a bad day, i may think that my faults are worse than those of anyone else β
Posted: Tue, May 15, 2007 07:42:07 AM
but if i could read the minds of my fellow members, i would find the same struggles.
although this reading is speaking about the fears involved with working a fourth step, what i heard this morning was the whole dime argument. you know no matter how shiny a dime looks, no matter how beat up a dime looks it is still worth exactly ten cents. it has the same value regardless of its exterior appearance. that analogy applies to how i think about myself. i may see myself as dirty, beat-up and in a state of general disrepair, BUT my value is exactly the same as everyone else. so why am i in such denial about working my sixth step? well i tell myself i am not ready to start the process, as long as i do not start reading and writing, the process does not begin and i get to avoid the deep and probing look that the sixth step is all about. well the truth of this, is contained in the reading, i am afraid i will uncover parts of myself that will make me some sort of subhuman beast, without any redeeming value, and sick beyond the possibility of recovery.
facing that fear is now my task at hand. i have avoided this long enough and never quite committed myself to going through the process, as i said avoidance is just one of the means i use to deny what is really going on.
so the time has come to publicly state that today i will start the process and let the chips fall where they may fall. i am after all only as sick as i let the part of me i call my disease control. life is far too short for me to balk any longer.
although this reading is speaking about the fears involved with working a fourth step, what i heard this morning was the whole dime argument. you know no matter how shiny a dime looks, no matter how beat up a dime looks it is still worth exactly ten cents. it has the same value regardless of its exterior appearance. that analogy applies to how i think about myself. i may see myself as dirty, beat-up and in a state of general disrepair, BUT my value is exactly the same as everyone else. so why am i in such denial about working my sixth step? well i tell myself i am not ready to start the process, as long as i do not start reading and writing, the process does not begin and i get to avoid the deep and probing look that the sixth step is all about. well the truth of this, is contained in the reading, i am afraid i will uncover parts of myself that will make me some sort of subhuman beast, without any redeeming value, and sick beyond the possibility of recovery.
facing that fear is now my task at hand. i have avoided this long enough and never quite committed myself to going through the process, as i said avoidance is just one of the means i use to deny what is really going on.
so the time has come to publicly state that today i will start the process and let the chips fall where they may fall. i am after all only as sick as i let the part of me i call my disease control. life is far too short for me to balk any longer.
∞ DT ∞