# i find that i just may be afraid that when i examine #
Posted: Wed, May 15, 2013 07:43:49 AM
my actions and motives, i can only find a bottomless black pit of selfishness and hatred.
well, the current theme stops on my entry from yesterday. what is, is and what will be, well that chapter has yet to be written. as i shared last night, i finally figured out why i had this nagging doubt about my actions, and what it comes down to is: that i want to look good, and not picking up the bullsh!t someone else was offering, looks like i am some sort of selfish, self-centered a$$hole. maintaining appearances and looking better than i am, well that is a very familiar and yes ancient behavior, from way before i ever used the first time and is only being relived through the process of the steps.
when i do something healthy, such as saying no that is not my stuff nor is it my job, a part of me screams, that is not the right thing to do, now i have diminished myself in the eyes of someone else. after all, this whole life gig is based on looking great and hiding the real me, deep inside so no one, absolutely no one, can ever reach out and touch me and end up hurting me. saying no, kind of feels like back-sliding into withdrawal from the real world. what is actually happening is i am moving into reality, after all, it is quite impossible to be all things to all people and the effort to try and do so, is far beyond what i am willing to expend today.
as i allow the SEVENTH STEP process to work me over, i am finding that becoming willing and humbly asking are so deeply entwined, i can see why some fellowships treat them as a single step. for me, i see them as two parts of a single process, destroying the road blocks that prevent me from becoming the man i have always wanted to be. one of those roadblocks is my need to look so much better than everyone else, when actually i think i am so much worse. i see that today and as i walk through this day, i will focus on the goal, rather than the obstacles. i will allow the obstacles to be removed by the POWER that fuels my recovery as become whole, genuine and self-assured, just for today.
well, the current theme stops on my entry from yesterday. what is, is and what will be, well that chapter has yet to be written. as i shared last night, i finally figured out why i had this nagging doubt about my actions, and what it comes down to is: that i want to look good, and not picking up the bullsh!t someone else was offering, looks like i am some sort of selfish, self-centered a$$hole. maintaining appearances and looking better than i am, well that is a very familiar and yes ancient behavior, from way before i ever used the first time and is only being relived through the process of the steps.
when i do something healthy, such as saying no that is not my stuff nor is it my job, a part of me screams, that is not the right thing to do, now i have diminished myself in the eyes of someone else. after all, this whole life gig is based on looking great and hiding the real me, deep inside so no one, absolutely no one, can ever reach out and touch me and end up hurting me. saying no, kind of feels like back-sliding into withdrawal from the real world. what is actually happening is i am moving into reality, after all, it is quite impossible to be all things to all people and the effort to try and do so, is far beyond what i am willing to expend today.
as i allow the SEVENTH STEP process to work me over, i am finding that becoming willing and humbly asking are so deeply entwined, i can see why some fellowships treat them as a single step. for me, i see them as two parts of a single process, destroying the road blocks that prevent me from becoming the man i have always wanted to be. one of those roadblocks is my need to look so much better than everyone else, when actually i think i am so much worse. i see that today and as i walk through this day, i will focus on the goal, rather than the obstacles. i will allow the obstacles to be removed by the POWER that fuels my recovery as become whole, genuine and self-assured, just for today.
∞ DT ∞