Blog entry for:
Mon, May 15, 2006 09:25:15 AM
∞ a bottomless black pit of selfishness and hatred ∞
posted: Mon, May 15, 2006 09:25:15 AM
is what the part of me i call my disease tells me is waiting if i ever really look deep down inside myself. and since that part of me uses FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT to prevent me from living and growing, when i hear that voice i know that i am on the right track.
so what is keeping me from moving forward on this current fourth step? well, i would love to say it was not FUD, and the rationalizations fly off the shelf every time i consider writing. stuff like i have no resentments, i work a tenth step, i am far too busy living, i am in the best shape i have ever been in ...
so what is probably going on is the dread of finding out that i am not as nearly complete as i want to believe, after all who wants to find out what a sick fuck they are, certainly not me!
will i write today after being prodded by the daily meditation? perhaps, the day is long enough for me to do so. at least i have started thinking about the topic again and have a current notion in my head that there is probably not a bottomless pit to be explored -- after all i am not that bad really! or am i?
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
time will tell! off to the races!
so what is keeping me from moving forward on this current fourth step? well, i would love to say it was not FUD, and the rationalizations fly off the shelf every time i consider writing. stuff like i have no resentments, i work a tenth step, i am far too busy living, i am in the best shape i have ever been in ...
so what is probably going on is the dread of finding out that i am not as nearly complete as i want to believe, after all who wants to find out what a sick fuck they are, certainly not me!
will i write today after being prodded by the daily meditation? perhaps, the day is long enough for me to do so. at least i have started thinking about the topic again and have a current notion in my head that there is probably not a bottomless pit to be explored -- after all i am not that bad really! or am i?
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
time will tell! off to the races!
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
↔ on a bad day, i may think that my faults are worse than those of anyone else ↔ 315 words ➥ Tuesday, May 15, 2007 by: donnotδ i can only change what i acknowledge and understand. Δ 403 words ➥ Thursday, May 15, 2008 by: donnot
Δ rather than continuing to fear what is buried inside me Δ 631 words ➥ Friday, May 15, 2009 by: donnot
§ i can be terrified to look at myself, to probe my inside § 681 words ➥ Saturday, May 15, 2010 by: donnot
¯ as i approach the FOURTH step, i can be afraid ¯ 782 words ➥ Sunday, May 15, 2011 by: donnot
δ i fear what i do not know δ 341 words ➥ Tuesday, May 15, 2012 by: donnot
# i find that i just may be afraid that when i examine # 413 words ➥ Wednesday, May 15, 2013 by: donnot
µ if i could read the minds of my peers in recovery, µ 613 words ➥ Thursday, May 15, 2014 by: donnot
º most of us, including me º 667 words ➥ Friday, May 15, 2015 by: donnot
⋋ if released, ⋌ 910 words ➥ Sunday, May 15, 2016 by: donnot
⚀ no better ⚀ 553 words ➥ Monday, May 15, 2017 by: donnot
🌢 examining my 🌣 598 words ➥ Tuesday, May 15, 2018 by: donnot
🎱 a bottomless 💀 529 words ➥ Wednesday, May 15, 2019 by: donnot
😨 fear 😱 472 words ➥ Friday, May 15, 2020 by: donnot
🌚 the full light 🌞 517 words ➥ Saturday, May 15, 2021 by: donnot
👹 a monster inside 👿 278 words ➥ Sunday, May 15, 2022 by: donnot
🔬 i can 🔭 469 words ➥ Monday, May 15, 2023 by: donnot
🌊 finding a new 🌋 560 words ➥ Wednesday, May 15, 2024 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 1
3) If this transformation became to me an object of desire, I would
express the desire by the nameless simplicity.
Simplicity without a name
Is free from all external aim.
With no desire, at rest and still,
All things go right as of their will.