Blog entry for:

of self-awareness, does not feel like a gift these days. in fact, coming out of decades of denial of who i was, has been quite a jarring experience, placed on top of all the other stuff that has happened in the past fourteen months. being aware of what i was, may actually help me to move into what i will be, but these days, i go up and down, back and forth about my identity and what i need to do to move forward. sitting where i am at today, i am grateful that i did not plow my way through a FOURTH STEP a year ago, just top get it done. i may chide the men i sponsor to work with more diligence and dispatch. based on my experience, allowing myself the FREEDOM to sit and stew, gave me an opportunity to see what i would have most likely glossed over and dismissed. so their lack of progress, may or may not be as beneficial to them as it was to me. i can take the responsibility for their recovery, out of my basket of stuff that i need to take care of, and allow them to walk forward at their own pace.
the question that popped up this morning and consumed me, was i really waiting for a “sign” to move forward in the STEP FOUR and STEP FIVE cycle, or was i just afraid to look. as much as i want to go with the former and disregard the latter, i have to think that it was certainly a combination of unwillingness, stubbornness, and a good measure of FEAR. the FEAR part was certainly unfounded and when i finally decided to “dig deep” and write what i needed to write, i exploded the mythos i had built for myself that i was “broken” and hide who and what i was from everyone in the world.
this morning, after sleeping in, i am ready to conquer this day and take care of myself. what that means is a walk with the dawg (done), attend a meeting of my home group, run 10K and finish my book. i know that the angst i feel today, as i move beyond STEP FIVE and look to get rolling on my STEP SIX 🤢. as i am starting my monthly on-call cycle on Monday, i am certainly going to do my best to spend some time out of the house. life is certainly interesting these days. two vacations and a job extension on the horizon, means that maybe, just maybe, i will be able to have my health issues dealt with, before i end up unemployed. i am well today and even though life is more than a bit unsettled, i do not have to wonder if a little drop of poison is what i need to keep going. with that in mind, it is time to put this baby to bed and get set-up for the next task on my hit parade of the day.

∞ DT ∞