β no better β
Posted: Mon, May 15, 2017 07:44:29 AM
or worse than anyone else, despite what the judge, jury and executioner that is in my head, happens to be telling me.
it has been an interesting twenty-four for me. after arguing with my brother that the removal of statues in public spaces in many southern cities was not a restraint on free speech, as in reality all they are is art work and tastes change, i wondered why it is so important to me, for me to try and convince him that he is wrong. what is my payoff in trying to show him the error of his ways, at least in my head. i really have yet top stumble across my motives for putting so much importance on this, but i do know that it probably comes down to feeling less than him and wanting to be his equal, which is strange and bizarre, because if one looks at our lives, i have much more in so many ways.
and then there is my reaction to the ground-hog day addict, their pattern is starting to repeat again and their need to share about every little bump in the road annoys the living crap out of me. their life seems to swing from crisis to ecstasy and i am an observer, because they feel the need to tell me so, over, and over, and over, and over and over again. in this sense, i certainly feel superior and pity them as they alienate themselves further and further from the group.
so twice yesterday i was in a state on not being an equal to my peers and had to listen to the part of me i call my addict, chime in about how i needed to behave. for me, balance is restored during my daily inventory, and i GET to find that level playing field all over again. something i just did yesterday, rings out this morning as i pound this little ditty out, i paid attention to someone else, and gave them the one thing i can give to any addict, the benefit of my experience, strength and hope and not advice or a lecture. sometime i actually do pay attention to those on the margins, who do not seem to be comfortable in the groups. i remember that feeling, oven though i was fronting something entirely different, way back when. i was feeling less than everyone else but acting more than, and in the long run, that sort of pretense almost did me in.
today, my FEAR is centered around what the future will bring and how should i proceed, in both my spiritual path as well as my professional one. what i am getting this morning, is to just let go, be at peace and accept that today is more than enough for me to handle.life is good on two legs and for me, even better in an active program of recovery. i no longer need to pretend to be someone i am not, and do things simply because the coincide with my values, even when no one else is watching me. so it is off to the races to see what mess i find on my first day in my brave new world.
it has been an interesting twenty-four for me. after arguing with my brother that the removal of statues in public spaces in many southern cities was not a restraint on free speech, as in reality all they are is art work and tastes change, i wondered why it is so important to me, for me to try and convince him that he is wrong. what is my payoff in trying to show him the error of his ways, at least in my head. i really have yet top stumble across my motives for putting so much importance on this, but i do know that it probably comes down to feeling less than him and wanting to be his equal, which is strange and bizarre, because if one looks at our lives, i have much more in so many ways.
and then there is my reaction to the ground-hog day addict, their pattern is starting to repeat again and their need to share about every little bump in the road annoys the living crap out of me. their life seems to swing from crisis to ecstasy and i am an observer, because they feel the need to tell me so, over, and over, and over, and over and over again. in this sense, i certainly feel superior and pity them as they alienate themselves further and further from the group.
so twice yesterday i was in a state on not being an equal to my peers and had to listen to the part of me i call my addict, chime in about how i needed to behave. for me, balance is restored during my daily inventory, and i GET to find that level playing field all over again. something i just did yesterday, rings out this morning as i pound this little ditty out, i paid attention to someone else, and gave them the one thing i can give to any addict, the benefit of my experience, strength and hope and not advice or a lecture. sometime i actually do pay attention to those on the margins, who do not seem to be comfortable in the groups. i remember that feeling, oven though i was fronting something entirely different, way back when. i was feeling less than everyone else but acting more than, and in the long run, that sort of pretense almost did me in.
today, my FEAR is centered around what the future will bring and how should i proceed, in both my spiritual path as well as my professional one. what i am getting this morning, is to just let go, be at peace and accept that today is more than enough for me to handle.life is good on two legs and for me, even better in an active program of recovery. i no longer need to pretend to be someone i am not, and do things simply because the coincide with my values, even when no one else is watching me. so it is off to the races to see what mess i find on my first day in my brave new world.
∞ DT ∞