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i have learned to check my motives through prayer, meditation, the steps, and talking to my sponsor or other addicts. i have also discovered that sometimes the direction i receive is colored by their motives. as a consequence, it means getting direction from more than one source. the exception to querying others, is the direction that i get from my sponsor. it seems, that all of the men who have sponsored me across the course of my recovery, have never failed to provide exactly the kind of direction i needed right then and there. their insight into my motives, in service and in life in general, were without exception spot on. i, however, participated in a behavior that i developed in childhood and until recently still engaged in. when i did not care for the direction i was getting, i sought out the answers i wanted elsewhere. yes it was the playing mom against dad behavior. in fact, i even went to "mom" before "dad" on some particularly sticky wickets that i found myself in the middle of, and was clueless about how to resolve them. most of the time, what i got was exactly what i wanted, namely direction and ending with the phrase, " and of course this can stay between you and i, i do not believe your sponsor would quite understand this."
permission to be less than hones, coming from members with clean time, exactly what i desired then and there, and the amazing part is, that i did not have to use, for this was direction that could have killed me. io know what my motives were then, and today i have a better grasp of my motives in all phases of my recovery.
NOTE -- better grasp, far from complete or perfect knowledge --
be that as it may, the less than perfect grasp i have, and asking for and receiving direction from my sponsor, has sent the direction of my service into an entirely new direction, one that i am clueless about the outcome of, but one that i have FAITH that the result can be exactly as it is supposed to be. as my sponsor reminds me, focusing on the process, and allowing the outcome to what it is, is where i need to be today.
so anyhow, the time has come to saddle up the running clothes and go brave the frigid tundra, i will close by stating i am grateful i got way with playing one authority against another for as long as i did, because it has taught me, that what i know is right, is usually right. it is up to me, to have the FAITH that the men i ask to sponsor me, are connected to my HIGHER POWER, and will provide me with what i need, when i need it, if i CHOOSE to ask, including the means to check my motives.

∞ DT ∞