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when i show them game-playing, manipulation, or pomposity, i present an unattractive picture of recovery. i can spin this all about others and their service efforts, in fact it would be a great comfort to do so. of course, then i am just as bad as those others and would be quite the hypocrite. since i am doing my best to be a better person, and since i am all about allowing a program of recovery to work in my life, i do believe that i will practice a bit of being genuine and not violate my values no matter how instantaneously rewarding it may be to my ego and pride.
so what are my motives for service to my fellowship right here and right now? well the simple and pat answer is that i have a desire to carry the message to suffering addicts no matter where they happen to be. while that ideal answer is wonderful and perhaps on some level quite true, to stop there would be disingenuous of me. part of my focus on the step cycle i am commencing is my relationship with the fellowship and how i express my appreciation for that relationship through the service work i do. right now, i am certain of only one bit of service that i desire to do, beyond my current commitments. i know for certain, that come April at least one of the service commitments i have will drop away, and perhaps not be replaced by another. i am certain that my voice is far too loud and far too forceful these days and the time to quiet it a bit has certainly come. the gift of the modicum power i have comes from the respect i have earned over the course of my service, and lately i find myself wanting to exercise that power at the peril of the respect that others have given me. worse yet. i do so at the peril of the respect, i myself have developed for me -- you know the self-respect that is the result of working an active program of recovery. so i am not sure what the answer is this morning, i do know what the answer is not-- namely moving forward like a bull in a china shop. i do believe i will start my first step and see what answers come as a result.
time to hit the streets as i have many miles to go before i sleep.

∞ DT ∞