Blog entry for:

creates an atmosphere that is attractive to the addict who still suffers.
the reading talks about service work, and currently i am serving the fellowship in a felonious manner, on the down-low as it were, doing my best to serve without getting caught doing it. no titles, no praises and no recognition, if at all possible, and yet there is still a part of me, that wants to be in the mix of it all again, because that part of me desires the recognition that comes from serving the fellowship in a very visible manner. to say anything less, would be a lie. i have come to see, through readings like this one, that my motives for serving are very seldom, “pure.”
this current phase of my service career, is teaching me about motives, mine for instance and allowing me to suspect what the motives of others may really be. that little tidbit, i generally keep to myself, as more often than not, i am wrong, wrong and wrong, when ascertaining the motives of other people. hell, most of the time, i am wrong about mine!
the exercise of checking my motives to serve my fellowship, often leads me to checking my motives. for the other activities that are in my life, such as sponsorship, friendship, employment and social interaction. how pure are my motives when i am participating in any of those relationships? the truth? well i have always wanted to look better than i am. a better person,. more altruistic, better looking, richer, more self-confident and assured, just more. the part of me i call addiction, tells me, that no matter how hard i try, i will always be second best, so just quit while i am ahead and settle for second best, because in my experience i can achieve that with very little effort. the battle lines are drawn through how i think i look to others and what my expected return happens to be. service falls right into this war of wills, and only when i surrender to the higher ideal, of doing whatever it is i do, just to help carry the message to the still suffering addict, with no expectation of measurable, quantifiable return on my inventiveness, do i ever get to become more than i ever was. honestly, sometimes it feels good not to have to compete for attention and just be one of the crowd, no matter what the part of me i call addiction screams, and trust me in these situations that part of me is shrill, abusive and very, very loud!
anyhow, with motives in mind, and motive checking on the radar, the time has come to pack it up, head over to the west side of town for some voluntary torture called dentistry and see how it is to get a tooth crowned in a single sitting!

∞ DT ∞