โ checking my motives โ
Posted: Tue, Dec 17, 2019 07:38:23 AM
lots of stuff rolling around my noggin this morning. a whole lot about my motives and justifying what i did or want to do and not a whole lot about service to the fellowship that has given me this life. it was a restless night for me and even though my fitness tracker indicated my sleep was **okay,** i felt far from rested when i got up this morning and started my day. was it the coffee i decided i had to have in the late afternoon? maybe. was it the fact i got called out by my partner for being disrespectful to a group of human beings and she was less than pleased with me? more than likely. it was her disapproval of me and my inability to let go that was what i kept rolling around in my head. in that insanity i blamed her and her response, instead of owning what i did, seeing that she was correct and letting the whole incident go. i willingly gave away my power and paid the price. my motives for doing so? of course to absolve myself for any blame or disrespect, and when the next words are “after all, ” i know i am rolling down the absolution and deflection trail.
the other thing that is affecting my balance this morning is the ten year anniversary of the death of my early partner in recovery, Odin. Odin was the first long-term relationship i had, that i was not born into. he taught me how to care for someone other than myself and saw me in a manner i could never see myself in, back in those days. it feels silly, some days, to still think about a canine companion as a partner in recovery, BUT, in all honesty he got me through those early years when all i wanted to do was plan my next use. among my motives for bringing Odin in my life was that i believed i needed something, anything, to love me unconditionally and that i could “control.” Odin gave me the love and i quickly discovered that “controlling” was not all that realistic, he had a mind of his own. it might have been a poor surrogate for a long-term relationship with my own species but it illustrated the path i needed to take to become ready to reach out and accept intimate relationships.
the last thing that bubbled up was my reaction to who showed up at the meeting last night. i had come to see that Monday night meeting as my escape to something different from the meetings here in town. i had come to zealously regard that as my refuge and <BOOM> last night, that refuge was breached and i had to deal with feelings that i did not want to face. yeah, i know dealing with feelings are not what i am all about. letting them run their course or running away from them is more my style. one of the men who calls me his sponsor told me he thought i was sleeping at the meeting last night, when i was listening to what was being shared with my eyes closed. for me, that is the means that i use to shut down the judge and attempt to actually “hear” what my peer is trying to say. it is not always effective, but it better than nothing. in this case, being quiet inside and out, plays into my motive of “looking good.” i serve my fellowship better when i do not disrespect anyone by cross-talk or sharing “at them,” last night, that option had to come in to play three times and although i am not proud of having to rely on a “Jedi mind trick” to be a better member, it is what it is.
WHEW, with all of that pounded into my browser, i think i will post it to the interwebs, jump into the shower and head on down to work. just for today, i can be certain that i may be flawed, and i am, BUT, i am more than likely doing better than i think i am.
the other thing that is affecting my balance this morning is the ten year anniversary of the death of my early partner in recovery, Odin. Odin was the first long-term relationship i had, that i was not born into. he taught me how to care for someone other than myself and saw me in a manner i could never see myself in, back in those days. it feels silly, some days, to still think about a canine companion as a partner in recovery, BUT, in all honesty he got me through those early years when all i wanted to do was plan my next use. among my motives for bringing Odin in my life was that i believed i needed something, anything, to love me unconditionally and that i could “control.” Odin gave me the love and i quickly discovered that “controlling” was not all that realistic, he had a mind of his own. it might have been a poor surrogate for a long-term relationship with my own species but it illustrated the path i needed to take to become ready to reach out and accept intimate relationships.
the last thing that bubbled up was my reaction to who showed up at the meeting last night. i had come to see that Monday night meeting as my escape to something different from the meetings here in town. i had come to zealously regard that as my refuge and <BOOM> last night, that refuge was breached and i had to deal with feelings that i did not want to face. yeah, i know dealing with feelings are not what i am all about. letting them run their course or running away from them is more my style. one of the men who calls me his sponsor told me he thought i was sleeping at the meeting last night, when i was listening to what was being shared with my eyes closed. for me, that is the means that i use to shut down the judge and attempt to actually “hear” what my peer is trying to say. it is not always effective, but it better than nothing. in this case, being quiet inside and out, plays into my motive of “looking good.” i serve my fellowship better when i do not disrespect anyone by cross-talk or sharing “at them,” last night, that option had to come in to play three times and although i am not proud of having to rely on a “Jedi mind trick” to be a better member, it is what it is.
WHEW, with all of that pounded into my browser, i think i will post it to the interwebs, jump into the shower and head on down to work. just for today, i can be certain that i may be flawed, and i am, BUT, i am more than likely doing better than i think i am.
∞ DT ∞