Blog entry for:

when i started using, i introduced an influence into my life; the further i walked down the path of addiction, the further i withdrew from joy, wonder, and love. on the flip side, the further i walk up the path in recovery the more capable i am of feeling those things again. so my little experiment of being respectful has paid off, or at least it had until this morning. someone with whom i interact with, has decided that my treating them with respect indicates that i am acquiescing, has has decided that the time is ripe to start once again asking for all kinds of outrageous things, like making them look good by doing their work for them. i love this addict unconditionally, and as the e-mail i received overnight plainly shows, that is all i can do, they will not change, they are still the center of the universe and i better fVcking remember that.
so that little bit of spew is out, sorry for the mess, it is however better here than running around my head while i am out running. so the journey away from the joy and wonder of being alive and my return trip. well to tell the story of the walk away would be long and would involve more than one tale of using and humiliation, and these days, i think my time is better spent looking at the other side of that round trip. part of losing the joy and wonder, and the ability to love unconditionally comes from growing up. as i matured, i saw that the things that i believed were not necessarily true, and that loving without conditions ended-up getting me hurt. so when the day came to use, i had already started my journey into cynicism and disgust at the world around me. using was actually a relief from that, and as i withdrew, i got more and more relief. no the joy and wonder did not come back, i just missed it less and less.
my journey through recovery detoured past the cynic part, and today i can experience the joy and wonder of life in its glory. however, being an adult that joy and wonder is tempered by a bit of rational pragmatism. i know that there is no Santa Claus, and to expect a HIGHER POWER to fill that role, is quite unbelievable to me. i also know that people suck. they are as flawed and as defective as i am. so my task is to love them because of their less than endearing traits not despite them. so even the unconditional love i give is tempered by my experience in real life. so as i draw to the conclusion, what i think my task will be today is to live as much as possible withing the joy and wonder of life today. the measure of my success? how i feel when i write my 10th step this evening -- namely am i a cynic or am i romantic or the more likely outcome -- something in between.
so it is off to the streets to take off a few more calories this morning, and then into another busy day.

∞ DT ∞