Blog entry for:

over time i will experience the personality change that i saw in my peers when i arrived in the rooms. although i was quite surprised to hear it, it was personality change that i needed the most. it has been a long time since i was a kid, and i do not remember how loving caring or whole i was way back in those days. i do =know that by the time i finally reached the rooms i did not give a flying fVck about much of anything outside of myself. today, well today:

John Sh
CONGRATS on 7 years Clean.
Thank YOU FOR STICKING AROUND!

yes, i have no issue with shouting out to, and congratulating one of my peers on another clean date anniversary. in fact today, i am surprised how different my take on the world is, and how well i do this life thing, relatively speaking.
moving right along, allowing the recovery process to work in my life, has not always been easy. in fact, most of the time, i resist, i balk and i drag my feet, anything but allow the changes that the program engenders to occur. i am not unique in this resistance to change, nor do i do it any more or any less than peers, today it is just on the top of the stack and needs to be popped off, to allow myself the freedom to think about something else.
the change i have been resisting lately is allowing myself to feel my way into a new and probably improved manner of maintaining a conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is not as if i am some major prayerful kind of guy, in fact on a daily basis my prayers, probably consume less than fifteen minutes, BUT it is my last remaining thread to the bulk of my peers and their spiritual practices and i am resistant to let it go. that resistance, is all about FEAR, and the FEAR i may be facing is that somehow, by letting go, i will be shunned, banned or otherwise ostracized from the very people that i NEED to stay clean, or worse maybe they will like me even less, after all i am now a prayer-less, cynical a$$hole, and perhaps that will break the camel's back. now that i type that out, i see how silly it really is. well on that happy note, i think i will wrap this up, go shower off the accumulation of 24 hours of life and step out into the real world, ready to practice the program of recovery i have been given, regardless of the new way it looks.

∞ DT ∞