Blog entry for:

i have so much more to offer than my neediness and insecurities. so as i sit here this morning, after an hour of work, after my trot around the neighborhood, pondering motives, mine in particular, i am beginning how pure my motives and intentions were when i made the plan to travel to Spokane to attend the funeral of my uncle. i could say that it is all about looking good to my parents, my cousins and my siblings, something that gives the upper hand when it comes to comparing and contrasting how good i am. and that might be a valid assumption based on my behavior in the past. or it could be quite the excuse to sneak away to where no one knows me and have a binge, that too would be one of the possibilities based on the behavior of my past. i could blame such thoughts on the part of me i call my addiction, but quite honestly, playing the blame game is not something i am up to this morning. i have far too many tasks to complete before i leave on a jet plane this evening, so i guess i might as well get down to the issue at hand, rather than this whole talking around the elephant in the room.
there are a couple of things going on, after exposing those last two thoughts i am struck with how far off the mark they are for me today. oh i cannot deny the possibility of either or both of those being true, but i heel that i have the desire to be available for my parents, my cousins and my aunts and uncles in their grief. although i am having a reaction contrary to my expectations over the death of my uncle, the truth is i am uncertain how to grieve fro him. like my friend Jim, his death is actual a blessing, as his suffering and pain is over. my uncle has been losing himself slowly over the past twenty years, since being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, and he had for all intents and purposes slipped into the twilight a year ago, when he spoke for the last time. so i guess, that i have already started the grieving process, unconsciously, and this was the end of the long beginning to his death. or maybe i have just been so occupied with everything i could be doing that i have distracted myself from my feelings. who knows, and frankly my dear i don not give a damn.
here is what i know and feel today. i know that my uncle is dead and i am feeling sort of numb over it. i know that i leave for Spokane tonight to attend his funeral and i will be seeing bunches of my cousins and most of my aunts and uncles. i know that i know how to grieve, and regardless of my expectations, when the time is right, when i let go, i will grieve in whatever manner that is appropriate to me. and i know that i have work to acco,mplis, so it is off to the showers and back to the keyboard to show some progress on everything that needs to be done today. signing off from Colorado, the next time i write this i will be in Washington state and i will update you on the whole grieve-o-matic thingy.

∞ DT ∞