Blog entry for:

much more to offer than my neediness and insecurities. of course, i would be a liar if i said that they no longer play a role in how i walk through my day. i still want others to think well of me. i still want to **look** better than i am feeling and now more than ever, i want to be the **best** recovering addict around: humble, spiritual, loving, kind, patient and most of all non-judgemental. 🤪
now here is where i could insert the litany of mixed motives i have demonstrated across the course of my recovery. that list is extensive and has been well documented in the corpus of these nearly daily exercises of “telling on myself.” for me, the suggestion that came from my sponsor to do service and keep those actions on the “down-low” was one of the best ideas he ever seemed to have. even though he prefaced it with “addicts like us,” it struck a chord with me, the second that thought traveled down his synapse to become spoken word. it does not mean that i still DESIRE having smoke blown up my ass as others heap tons of praise upon me, i am not the healthy, yet. it does mean i change how i speak about service to my fellowship and how i carry a clear message of recovery, to those who may not have ever heard one.
why i serve today and why i live my life in the manner that i do, speaks to that first line. when i live in fear of what may come about, if i do not walk the straight and narrow, i revert to what was once and could once again become my “true” form. when i feel that FEAR creeping into my awareness, either consciously or by the way i am behaving, i can fall back on my FAITH in the recovery program that has brought me this far. i can remember what works, living an active program of recovery and what does, playing the crowd to get my “needed strokes” to bolster my self respect and esteem.
today, i can walk out the door and know that i can always choose to live my life with an ulterior motive, OR just do as my “war buddy” Brian S is apt to say, the next thing right.

∞ DT ∞