โ getting my selfish motives โ
Posted: Wed, Jun 10, 2015 07:40:20 AM
out of the way. right off the bat, i do not believe that there is any human alive that does not have selfish motives at the core of just about everything they do. cynical as that may sound, that does not mean that i do not strive to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery into something more: a person who does things for the right reasons, most of the time. i realize that at my core, a lot of what i do, is because i want to stay clean, and if i help someone along the way, that is a BONUS! so as is evident that this is not a peace and love and understanding kind of entry today, but as the reading suggests it may morph into that as i pound out the characters on my keyboard.
so in my Tenth Step last night, my mind started wandering down the path of why i cannot get it through my friend's thick skull that if he chooses to do the same old sh!t, he will continue to spend most of his time locked up. the evidence is there in front of him, out of the past ten years, he has not been totally free for more than 6 months. he has turned a three year misdemeanor probation into a life sentence and yet he insists he needs those people. what came to me, is that he and i are flip sides of the same coin. where he absolutely NEEDS people to talk to, to provide for his needs, to care for him and to love, when i came to the program i did not.
when i got here, i was independent, self-sufficient and did everything i could to keep the world outside, exactly that, OUTSIDE. i had worked myself into a belief structure that being alone was not only okay, it was highly desirable, after all relationships of any sort are messy, people always left, and they always hurt me. to avoid that pain, just pull back and be okay with myself against the messy chaotic world. oi lowered my expectations of those [people i had to interact with and learned that everything i needed was inside of me. as sad as that sounds, my motives were perfectly clear, when i felt lonely and that i may be prone to change, a quick dose fixed of chemical bliss, fixed that and BOOM, off i went, deeper and deeper into my fantasy world of self-sufficiency. so when the program says this is an “inside” job, i am already there, because it was all about getting everything i needed from inside of me. i can also remember the joy i got when i lied, cheated and manipulated others to do my bidding, and the lack of remorse that covered. in my head it demonstrated that i was an evolved and superior being and that the rest of the world was here to do my bidding. when i bragged, it was not to build myself up in my eyes, it was to diminish your stature in comparison to mine. being cold distant and aloof, protects me from the world around me and keeps me in that interior world where nothing can reach in and touch me.
learning to let others in, open up to the world around me, and take my place as an equal member of society, has been my recovery journey and as i stay clean and learn to live socially, in the real world, i get to find the that the pain of the chaotic nature of human relationships, is worth the rewards. where once my motives were all about the protecting my fragile ego and tenuous sense of self-worth, they have changes to learning to be who i always wanted to be, which today, means a full participant in my own life and in the life of those who care for and love me. my motives have switched from keeping my a$$ safe to letting myself be seen, in all my glory, warts and all. what i did not learn in social skills and relationships, because i was too busy withdrawing into my rock-like cocoon, i am learning now. as each day passes i am more certain that what i thought i wanted, “to be left alone, ” was an illusion to keep myself from realizing the truth: that i found learning how to live socially was tough, so i just stopped trying. i quit, i gave up and i created a world view that did not require i ever return to that lesson. sick, sick, sick
today? well today, realizing that, i have a direction to go in my life and maybe now i can help my friend find a different worldview himself and get out of the perpetual motion machine that the justice system has become for him. what i know is that it is time, to step out into that messy and chaotic worl and make my contribution to those who are paying for me to live in the lifestyle i have grown accustomed to, just for today.
so in my Tenth Step last night, my mind started wandering down the path of why i cannot get it through my friend's thick skull that if he chooses to do the same old sh!t, he will continue to spend most of his time locked up. the evidence is there in front of him, out of the past ten years, he has not been totally free for more than 6 months. he has turned a three year misdemeanor probation into a life sentence and yet he insists he needs those people. what came to me, is that he and i are flip sides of the same coin. where he absolutely NEEDS people to talk to, to provide for his needs, to care for him and to love, when i came to the program i did not.
when i got here, i was independent, self-sufficient and did everything i could to keep the world outside, exactly that, OUTSIDE. i had worked myself into a belief structure that being alone was not only okay, it was highly desirable, after all relationships of any sort are messy, people always left, and they always hurt me. to avoid that pain, just pull back and be okay with myself against the messy chaotic world. oi lowered my expectations of those [people i had to interact with and learned that everything i needed was inside of me. as sad as that sounds, my motives were perfectly clear, when i felt lonely and that i may be prone to change, a quick dose fixed of chemical bliss, fixed that and BOOM, off i went, deeper and deeper into my fantasy world of self-sufficiency. so when the program says this is an “inside” job, i am already there, because it was all about getting everything i needed from inside of me. i can also remember the joy i got when i lied, cheated and manipulated others to do my bidding, and the lack of remorse that covered. in my head it demonstrated that i was an evolved and superior being and that the rest of the world was here to do my bidding. when i bragged, it was not to build myself up in my eyes, it was to diminish your stature in comparison to mine. being cold distant and aloof, protects me from the world around me and keeps me in that interior world where nothing can reach in and touch me.
learning to let others in, open up to the world around me, and take my place as an equal member of society, has been my recovery journey and as i stay clean and learn to live socially, in the real world, i get to find the that the pain of the chaotic nature of human relationships, is worth the rewards. where once my motives were all about the protecting my fragile ego and tenuous sense of self-worth, they have changes to learning to be who i always wanted to be, which today, means a full participant in my own life and in the life of those who care for and love me. my motives have switched from keeping my a$$ safe to letting myself be seen, in all my glory, warts and all. what i did not learn in social skills and relationships, because i was too busy withdrawing into my rock-like cocoon, i am learning now. as each day passes i am more certain that what i thought i wanted, “to be left alone, ” was an illusion to keep myself from realizing the truth: that i found learning how to live socially was tough, so i just stopped trying. i quit, i gave up and i created a world view that did not require i ever return to that lesson. sick, sick, sick
today? well today, realizing that, i have a direction to go in my life and maybe now i can help my friend find a different worldview himself and get out of the perpetual motion machine that the justice system has become for him. what i know is that it is time, to step out into that messy and chaotic worl and make my contribution to those who are paying for me to live in the lifestyle i have grown accustomed to, just for today.
∞ DT ∞