Blog entry for:

today i do so, because i want to grow spiritually into the person i was always meant to be. the fact that a FNG that came back yesterday, with the love of his life fills me with HOPE, they did not die, go to jail or trash their lives beyond repair. he was once upon a time my sponsee, but not anymore and once upon that same time, i would have been upset about that. this morning i am grateful, that he chose to move on for all sorts of reasons, first and foremost the total lack of respect he showed me over the course of the past few years culminating in one of the most heinous sins ever, in December. quite honestly, i would have needed lots of face-time with my sponsor to get past my feelings of anger and betrayal, to give him what i have. as it is now, that stuff can be worked out on its own, in its own time, without having to be forced. my life goes on and i deal with what i need to deal with, and speaking of motives, it is interesting that i put my feelings about the situation out here for anyone to peruse, it goes to the fact that once upon that same time, i would have done anything i could have, to manipulate him into remaining my sponsee, including putting aside the feelings that i had. i would have lied about it being alright, when it was not. i would have minimized being used and say that too, was alright. i would have crawled on the floor, grovelling, to get the decision changed and all of that would have been just fine, as it would have made me feel worthy of his attention and love. today, not so much and it is not him who has changed, finally i am growing out of my need to be needed and realizing that the POWER that fuels my recovery has my back. things work out the way they do, today i am free from my burden of pulling someone along this journey of recovery, i can focus on those willing participants and leave the unwilling behind.
as i start this work week and i look at what is going on, i am all sorts of stuff and unsure of what is driving me inside, i can be sure that IF i allow myself to be changed, i will.
oh, by the way, it is not me who changes my behaviors and attitudes, that job i gratefully surrender to the POWER that fuels my recovery. i do the footwork, the inventories, the writing, sharing with my sponsor and then i surrender it all into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. growth is not the result of wishing or even praying, growth is what happens when i look at myself, see what needs to be removed, and what needs to be enhanced and allow the process to happen of its own accord. my motives are constantly changing and for some reason, i am hooked deeper into the fellowship than i ever was before and although that feels more than a little uncomfortable to me, i know that seems to be part of the plan for me. so i have wandered all over the map and as a result i may have set some drama in motion. oh well, for me to be less than honest would be disingenuous, as i am tired of not owning who i am and what i need to thrive today. life in my world of recovery is good today and the time has come to head out into the real world as well. if anything i have said, is bothersome, well you have peers, acquaintances, closed-mouth friends and oh yeah, sponsors to help you deal with it. for me, it feels good to own where i lacked and see where i am going today.

∞ DT ∞